Smiles
It’s been a tough couple days as school winds down – but I find I’m smiling more today, and that is a direct result of last night. Sometimes you find yourself on a path, and never understand until you’re a few steps in just how nice a path it is.
Not to mention the joys found in walking it with the right companion.
Smiles are good.
Topics: Journal | Comments Off on Smiles
Just a soul…
The air is clearing, the sun is starting to peek its head out of the haze, and I’m taking some time to catch my breath. It’s been a long four years in the land of Noxiousness – but the time has come to turn corners and turn pages – and to take stock of where I’ve been.
I’ve learned a great deal about myself in the past eight months. That’s significant only because I thought all of these recently learned lessons were already behind me. Apparently there’s some kind of bizarre life crash-course where, while you have the basis for the things you need to know, you have to prove you can implement it.
I didn’t figure this out until the last three months – when school prompted me to do the same thing. The senior project cycle was a series of courses that required you to take all of the things you’d learned in the core curriculum and actually make them work in the real world. That’s probably great when you’re 22 and living on campus and school can be your only focus. But when you have family stresses, friends, a full time job, a part-time business, three bands, a CD project, and a novel in progress – there comes a time to make some tough choices. One of the bands is gone, the part-time business is on hiatus, and work has slowed to a crawl on both the CD and book. In many ways, I felt like I was in command of a starship – “diverting auxiliary power to the shields captain!!” – problem was, no one taught me how to run a starship.
I threw a lot of elements in my life to auto-pilot… something that was actually recommended to me by a dear friend when this whole school thing began. I actually thought that I could follow my own path, offer explanations when necessary, and have everything be stable on the other side. I thought I could retreat and come back out. It’s a trend of mine – much like a turtle, I crawl into a shell and poke my head back out every now and then. It’s an established pattern that might not work for everyone, but sometimes it’s what I’ve needed to do.
But then there come the expectations. We all do it. We base our perception of other people on what we would like them to be – we interact with them that way – and as long as they come close to our expectation, we’re fine. It’s like some fantasy quantum bubble ‘you have enough of what I need, just don’t pop the bubble!’ I’ve had my bubble burst several times in the past year – as recently as last week in fact. I’ve regrettably burst my share of bubbles too. It sucks, and there’s pain, and there’s loss – and there shouldn’t be… but there has to be. It’s times like these that emotions suck.
So now I look out over the landscape, and I periodically wave to and wave back at friends… but that’s all. For now, I think it’s best to just sit quietly and see what kind of equilibrium forms and how much my ‘life’ can recover from the hell and isolation I put it through.
I feel I should say that I’m not fishing for comments. I really don’t expect many, if any, people to read this. I just really wanted to put a mile-marker in the ground to keep track of where I am and where I’m going. If you happened upon this though, thank you for reading!!
I wish you health and peace!!
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A Vampiric Feast
Disclaimer – I am not an erotica writer. I put the following in the genre because that’s where it seems to fit, but it’s up to the reader’s sensibilities as to how erotic it is. The text was borne out of an interesting exercise – I’m can’t say how good it is in terms of form or content, but it made for an interesting first try. Comments are welcome.
A Vampiric Feast
– by Nox
Standing behind you
lifting the hair from the nape of your neck
My teeth graze your skin,
my hands following your curves over your dress
I whisper
“I need your warmth
your blood
your soul”
You feel my fingers work close to your scalp
and tighten
pulling at your hair
you whimper softly, fueling us both
Drawing you closer
our lips meet so softly
I draw your bottom lip between my teeth
and slowly bite down
My hands holding you closer, tighter
our breath shared… I crave your surrender
Standing so close, you never noticed your dress being undone until it falls away from you
you stand vulnerable, yet empowered,
I extend my cape around you, and escort you to the chamber
I place you on the bed, your skin glowing in the pale light
your senses dazed, your mind a fog
Only the click of the cuffs around your wrists brings you to consciousness
“for your safety, my dear” and you accept this.
I begin at your neck… fingers softly blazing a trail
followed by lips, tongue, and teeth
your neck, throat, shoulders
the tender top of your breast
my mouth opens around your nipple,
but never touches… Not yet.
Moving to your stomach and hips,
but reaching back up, kneading your breasts
Fingers gently clawing
My teeth drag along your flesh
scraping
you try to move your hands but cannot.
I slip between your thighs
the heat is intense
your skin glistens
I reach out my tongue
and taste
My senses explode
I must possess all of you
My mouth eats and drinks of the feast between your legs,
but I am not filled
You writhe on the bed…aching, yearning
I slip from my attire and lay my body on yours
You feel my weight
my passion
you feel my hardness pressed against you
my mouth on yours
I shift, and fluidly slip between your legs
slowing
deeply, inside you…
you feel me filling you
stretching you
just as you accept me
I take you
Burrowing deep into your body
slowing to a stop,
then easing back out again
your hips meet my thrusts
Slowly at first, then more insistent
Grinding into you with soft circles
I press hard into you
and feel you tighten around me,
but you are too wet,
too aroused to hold me in.
In and out of you,
I feel the heat build between us
Harder and faster
and a steady rhythm develops
Our bodies move in unison
You feeding me
just as I give to you..
You tighten again,
but this time the sensations demand my release
My hands grab your flesh as I drive deep into you
spasming
Filling you with warmth, heat
Our breathing erratic…pulses racing
We slow to a near stop
I reach up,
and free your hands from the cuffs.
I gaze into your eyes,
the ones I now possess,
and see you know it too
I then cradle you in my arms
Until it’s time to feast again.
Topics: Erotica | 1 Comment »
Acceptance
There have been a lot of things swirling in the life of Nox in the past six months. Dickens wrote about the best of times and the worst of times – and it’s true – nothing is absolute. There have been some truly bleak moments in the past few months, but sprinkled in the darkness have been warming rays of light – just enough to provide some assurance that there is life outside the catacombs.
I’ve felt like I’ve been in a nexus of very dark tunnels, stretching like spokes in different directions. When I would take a step in one direction, I would sense that salvation lay in a different one – in the end, I realize the best I’ve been able to do is walk around in circles.
I had some time last weekend to try to regain some perspective. There’s nothing like fifteen hours in a car to give your mind the freedom it needs to wander, and wander it did. In the end, I came to the simple realization that there are some things you cannot change.
We touch souls every day – with every smile, every action, every word, and every silence we help to color in the lines of someone else’s picture, even as we’re coloring our own. We learn, we absorb, we shape, and we grow. But it isn’t just what we do or don’t do, how we’re perceived is just as important in shaping our reality. We all want to be the warming rays of light – but there are times when we simply can’t help but be each other’s tunnels. It all comes back to balance.
I have found, for me, that the path out of my tunnel lies in accepting myself. Finally acknowledging that I cannot be all things to all people and that I cannot always adequately balance what I need with what everyone around me needs. Lastly, accepting the flaws in myself that dictate that I simply can’t save everyone.
This metaphor took on a tragic truth this week. While I was sitting in my apartment on Thursday, closing out my work day, I heard a pop and saw a flash of light. When I went down the stairs I saw the workers who had been installing the new roof milling around. One of them was prone on the ground, and there was an aluminum ladder whose base was in flames. I grabbed my fire extinguisher and called 911 – but the gentleman on the ground didn’t make it.
I’ve been wrestling with that all night last night and all day today. As I recounted the incident to the investigators today I came to the realization that there simply wasn’t any more I could have done. The worker was probably gone when the ladder touched the power line. Still… I want there to have been more I could do, I wanted him to go home to his family. Just trying to get by in the world shouldn’t lead to that.
Acceptance is hard. Acceptance of an unwanted outcome, acceptance of our own limitations and frailties, and even acceptance of one another and the darkness and light we all carry with us. The best we can manage sometimes is just trying to understand, and having faith that the sun will warm us once again.
Wishing you peace and warm rays of light to guide you from your tunnels.
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Dimes
From time to time I’ll post a status update that says I found a dime. Many of you know the significance, but not everyone – so here’s why dimes are such a big deal.
Shortly after my father passed away in November 2001, I started to find dimes – in parking lots, on the floor in work, under seat cushions, in washing machines and dryers, on the sidewalk – pretty much everywhere. Not pennies, not assorted change – dimes. There were so many of them I thought there had to be a reason, so I started to keep them.
At one point I was talking to my sister Katie, explaining this to her and she said with all the certainty in the world – “They’re from Daddy”. I thought about it, and while I’m not aware of anything special about dimes for him – I somehow knew she was right.
Ever since then, whenever I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be – or if I’m on my way somewhere that he would approve of – a dime appears. If I don’t find one for a while, I get to feeling that I’m just not on the right track and stop and reevaluate. Once I’m moving again, inevitably there’ll be a dime.
I still have all those dimes. If I get them in change, I have no problem spending them – but the ones I find, I keep. Judging my the size and weight of the bottle I keep them in, I probably have well over 1500 dimes.
I never wish they were quarters, or dollars, or anything else. My only wish is that I keep finding them.
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The Subtlety of Context
Has anyone else noticed that being active on Fet is very much like having a personal publicist who’s constantly strung-out on caffeine?
Several people have noticed recent changes to my profile, and while that’s not bad – I’ve gotten a few very surprised emails. I guess this is a natural result from having a profile that was stagnant for so long, and a by-product of my being in a place where I’m refining what it is I want and don’t want. It’s a process right now, and there will be more changes to come I’m sure – so keep your seat-belts on.
But it was the most recent “Nox_Amicus is looking for a relationship.” that generated some immediate attention, so I feel the need to add some context. If you know me, you know that I’ve been out of a relationship for some time now, and had labeled myself “emotionally unavailable” while I focused on the transition and came to terms with what I genuinely want from a partner, and what I’m prepared and able to offer. This week I got to the point where I recognized that I am “open” to the possibilities of a relationship – though I don’t know that I’m actively seeking one right now. Although I must acknowledge that karma and fate are interesting allies – so if they present me with someone, I am open to ‘dating’ (as opposed to just looking for a play partner).
The Fet profile didn’t really reflect that, but since there’s no option to say I’m “open” to a relationship, “looking” will have to do.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, already in progress…
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Carts and horses
I’m coming to the conclusion that Alt is not the best place to meet people.
Friends, sure – I’ve met some awesome people here and have been friends with them for years. I’ve found play partners and intimate relationships, but nothing that really sticks.
So I find myself wondering, as a budding friend said, if I too have been putting the cart before the horse. Sure – we all want BDSM compatibility, we yearn for it, and in many cases need it to complete us. Let’s face it, you could be six months into a ‘vanilla’ relationship before you even show your partner that door to the darker side of your soul. Isn’t it easier to just make it part of the criteria up-front?
I used to think so. I used to think – yes, BDSM compatibility first, then let’s hope there can be friendship and love. Now, I think it’s time to try the flip-side. To introduce BDSM to vanilla, rather than temper BDSM with vanilla.
To that end though, I think I may have gone overboard. I’m now on four different dating websites – match, chemistry, datingdna (for the iPhone fans), and OkCupid!
For those of you who may be in the same boat though – OkC seems to be the most kink friendly site out there. Their compatibility questions do venture into the realm of kink. Nothing like the Alt checklist, mind you… but it is there.
That’s where the journey is now… I’ll post here if anything develops and let you know how the grand experiment goes.
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About Nox
I started this blog on November 12, 2009 and it’s sat dormant since June of 2010 – until now. As spring begins to blossom in 2014, so too will this blog begin to flower.
The goal is for this to be a place for me to reflect on issues of spirituality and sexual freedom, with a healthy dose of self-discovery. I’ve been on a journey of reinvention and rebirth since May of 2012, . Some of these stories will be personal – but it’s my hope that there will be enough to cause the reader to find some relationship to their own life.
With regard to our freedom to be who we are, I have always believed that the first battles are fought on the fringes, and when the fringes lose, the battles inevitably move closer to center. Regardless of race, nationality, religious orientation, or sexual identity – there seems to always be a battle to ensure self-expression and self-determination. This blog will endeavor to be part of that discussion.
Topics: About | Comments Off on About Nox
Welcome to the blog!
Granted, there isn’t much to see here yet – so if you’ve stumbled upon this by accident, feel free to subscribe, or check in and say hi!! There will be more substantive updates soon!!
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