Paths
At 1:47am this morning the moon was New. This is twice in a row that I’m posting on the actual day of the New Moon. Time may be a wibbly-wobbly artificial construct, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important.
Over the last cycle I focused on Care, and in the last post I talked about how, when I was in the hospital in July, I felt truly and deeply Cared for in a way that was unfamiliar to me.
I think one of the differences in that sensation might have been that I trusted the intention behind the Care in a way that I’d never let myself experience before. I know that people have Cared for me in fundamental ways, but my conditioning meant their Care always felt transactional. This led me to feeling as though I wasn’t intrinsically worthy of that Care; that I was going to have to be demonstrative in some way to pay for it.
When I was young I had an aunt that I would often visit after grade school, as she lived within easy walking distance. One afternoon, not long after my parents and I had spent the weekend in the mountain home of someone who had been my favorite uncle, the aunt I was visiting turned to me and asked, “Who’s your favorite aunt?” I was a child. I couldn’t see the trap – I never imagined one was being set. I didn’t know how to be deceptive, I didn’t know how to mask. I didn’t know how to do any of the things that adults did to cultivate and sustain relationships. So I told her the truth. My favorite aunt was the one I had just spent the weekend with, not her. It wasn’t that I perceived anything wrong with this one. This was just my truth.
But that truth brought a dissatisfaction into the room I still remember like it was yesterday.
Care always felt transactional, so I think that it’s funny that the time that Care was absolutely, positively transactional, lying in a hospital bed, it felt more like I was being acted on by a duty of Care, not an obligation of Care. I think that was new in my perception.
As I continue to recover and to evaluate what it’s like to be Cared for, as well as what it’s like to Care for other people, I’ve been looking at the trajectory my life is taking.
Sometimes we do things in our life out of obligation, sometimes out of necessity, and sometimes out of desire. But how many of those are truly out of choice?
This brings us to this cycle’s focus on Paths.
I had a situation recently where I was called upon to make a difficult choice.
I have been affiliated with a group that had certain expectations around the amount of time devoted to them, and the overall priority they had in the lives and schedules of their members. I had not been able, or willing, to meet those expectations – not due to any lack of respect or even lack of desire, but it simply didn’t float high enough on my list of choices that were good and healthy for me.
So I made the decision that separating from this affiliation was in my practical best interests, and in their best interests as well. It’s unfair to welcome someone dedicating their energies to you if you’re not in a position to reciprocate. While I had always appreciated those energies, and I did participate when I was able, sometimes it just turns out that the Path has run its course.
Paths are interesting things. I’ve been surrounded by people who, in the past few months, have had their Paths change outside of their control. I’d been a spectator in that paradigm for a while, until this week, when the reality of it hit me.
The IT director that I’ve worked with for the past three years announced on Monday that she’s decided to take a position with a different company. Professionally, this is signaling that I’ll be given greater responsibilities as we diversify the workload that her position had held. This isn’t a Path that I chose to take, but I am at choice for how long, and in what manner, I choose to take it.
Shortly after this news broke I went out for a walk to clear my head. While meandering, I crossed Paths with a friend from the neighborhood. I had wanted to reach out to this friend while I was in the hospital, just to offer a reason why she might not have seen me out walking, but I never initiated contact. While we were chatting during my walk, I came to find out that her 2025 was tumultuous as well. During this talk, another friend of hers walked by with his dog – a big beautiful dog whose name was Zeus. If you’ve been following these posts for a while, Zeus’s significance was noted in November of 2023. The appearance of Zeus during this conversation with my friend, where I was offering Care to her in her struggles, and our overall arc of conversation, felt like confirmation that this was one of the Paths I belong on.
This coincides with the fact that as I was walking around the bar at the band’s last gig, I found a dime on the floor. Dimes from my father are always clear indications that I’m where I’m supposed to be and on the right Path.
The Paths may be right – but that doesn’t mean I know where they lead. I’m reminded of a lyric from Whitesnake “I don’t know where I’m goin’, but I sure know where I’ve been”.
I don’t know what this Path will look like and I don’t know if it will be persistent for me, but I know that it all starts with acknowledging the fact that I need a direction.
The companion song for this cycle is an old favorite, and it ties back to my mentioning of Hills almost a year ago – how I want to be the person who stands on the top of the hill and sees where the next thing is.
So to quote from this cycle’s song: “When you get to the top of the hill, gonna be there, yes, I will.”
May all of our Paths be what we need them to be.
Categories: New Moon
Comments Off on Paths
« Presentation | Home | Care »
