Gratitude Post Day 1
Today I’m grateful for the following:
- My friends, family, and chosen family. Your love, faith, and support have made the bright days brighter and then dark ones bearable. Thank you for helping me see that beauty in the little things.
- The Universe. That means a lot of things to a lot of people, but for me it’s the totality of The All. From the lessons, big and small, to the gifts of every day – You have taught me the power of gratitude.
- Music. Which has opened doors, prompted lasting friendships, and has provided both a brilliant soundtrack and the rhythm to carry me through.
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Mercury
In March of this year many things in my life changed, seemingly irrevocably. While I know that I precipitated much of the difficulty, I still felt like the facts and context weren’t clear, and I felt compelled to set the record straight.
That compulsion lasted about 48 hours – then I got an unmistakable message from the Universe to “sit down and shut up”. This took on the feeling of the scene in the first Austin Powers movie where Dr. Evil tries to silence his son Scott. Zip it…
So I sat down, and I shut up, but I decided that I’d wait a lunar cycle and then stand back up again – and that my forum would be this blog.
Again, the universe had different ideas.
Now it’s June. We’re three lunar cycles removed from those dark, early days and I find I’m surprisingly content in my relative silence. My story is being told without need for my words – and I’m actually fine with that.
But the blog needs to be here – the redesign is something I’m proud of, and the mission is something I believe in – but it’s simply not time to delve into deeper personal truths yet.
So I liken this to America’s space program in the early 1960s. First there will be short sub-orbital flights to make sure the basic systems work; later we’ll add more advanced features before finally we’re able to leave orbit and explore the nature of this Universe.
Fitting then that Mercury was the first manned NASA program, that Mercury is the messenger god, and that Mercury goes retrograde this coming Saturday.
The Universe is urging me to find stillness – so be it. I’ll post back here again when waiting is filled.
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Waking…
“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”
― Thích Nhất Hạnh
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Everything
“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.”
Rumi
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Alive
“Because you are alive, everything is possible.”
Thích Nhất Hạnh
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Ignore
“Ignore those that make you fearful and sad, that degrade you back towards disease and death.”
Rumi
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Joy
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
Thích Nhất Hạnh
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Tenderness and gratitude
I read this quote today and it stopped me in my tracks:
“Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep…feel it all – look around you- all of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.”
~ Amelia Olson via hellogiggles.com
To get into the hows and whys of the significance is more than I care to do right now. It feels like everything is in a state of flux – but I want to hold this space, and I want to remember this.
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Coming back
A few months ago I posted the bulk of this on my Fetlife profile – but as I continue the process of reclaiming the comfort of my own skin, I want to resurrect this blog and start cross-posting here. There are some changes in my life which make this a day of rebirth – and I want to honor all of those changes. and this day.
So, we begin again.
Until the past few months, Nox had been nothing more than a screen name for a number of years. Sure – when I wasn’t in a relationship I’d get together and play with friends infrequently… but for the most part, I was locked down in school, or grad school, or fighting for my job, or losing it and re-defining myself professionally. It was always something, it was always “life”.
Earlier in 2013 a trusted soul said “you were much more like Nox when we met (three years ago) than you are now”. She was right. I was looking at myself and I seemed to have lost SO much of what made me “me”. The edge was gone, the fire was gone, the passion was long gone. Sure – there were a lot of factors involved, but the bottom line was that I’d lost myself.
This past summer I was walking around town with a good friend who was telling me about her astral experiences, and she used the phrase “aspect of yourself”. The conversation and context are not important here, but she got me thinking about the big question – who am I?
I actually wrestled with that for a while. I had completely rebranded myself professionally, I was crawling out of the worst break-up I’d ever had, I was consequently incapable of trust, I wasn’t a student for the first time in 7 years. Who was I??
The answer snuck up on me slowly – but persistently. I am Nox. We write these profiles to describe ourselves to the world – but don’t they also serve to remind us of our own truths? I went to THE’s Beltane last year for the first time, and opened the doors to my sexual self-expression again. I then attended my first Rope Camp and realized that there’s been a crucial component missing from my life for a long while.
So I’ve been active on both CollarMe and Fet again recently – and made my first trip down to The Crucible this fall. It was a Dungeon 101 class – nothing I hadn’t known before – but at the same time, it’s been long enough that starting with the basics was the responsible thing to do. Their exploratorium was pretty great as well. (I discovered I may have a use for a violet wand after all!) My companion also enjoyed her first taste of the vacuum bed. But it was the open play afterwards that fueled me. I didn’t play that night – but realized that I truly need to. Need is an interesting word, certainly – but it fits here.
What does all this mean? That over the next weeks and months I’ll be coming back around again – a munch here or there, or perhaps another event or two. The journey of self-discovery is on-going – and there’s no guarantee the Nox from 7 years ago is the same as now… but life is about the journey – and as much as possible, enjoying the ride!
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Who Am I?
In a conversation a few weeks ago, the phrase “aspect of yourself” floated my way. My brain decided to slip down that rabbit hole, and realized that if you focus on an aspect of yourself – doesn’t that presuppose that you know yourself and your aspects – at least some of them? It was at that moment that a lot of things started to fall together.
This extends from the cloak I discussed in my last post. We wear cloaks to cover or protect ourselves – but, intentionally or not, they can sometimes mask who we really are. Wear a cloak long enough, you forget how to be naked.
I’ve been wrestling with “who am I?” for a few weeks now. I poked at it, meditated on it, and even looked up my favorite philosophers to re-frame the question. It wasn’t until I was walking through town one night that the realization struck me. I am Nox.
Before I continue, it should be noted that this only seems to be news to me. A most-trusted soul pointed out to me, in the midst of hell last year, that I was “more like Nox [years ago] than now”. There was also a lot of “who are you, really??” going on in 2012. It seems I was more lost than I realized – or was willing to hear.
So I’m Nox. Not just from the ‘kink’ perspective – but Nox is a guise I created specifically to give myself permission to be me, to want what I want, and to be worthy of it. My therapist pointed out some weeks ago that in the BDSM construct, as Nox I have permission to ‘be’ and want without fear of reprisal. Without fear of abandonment.
Obviously, this all flows from “don’t upset your mother”. It seems everything does. In the aftermath of that, I created a cloak where I would not upset my mother. I would stifle my needs or wants (tricky when you’re three years old), be unobtrusive, conciliatory… My sister used to call me Switzerland because I would be neutral and unoffending in everything. This was before my nickname became “sorry” for my predilection for apologizing. Don’t offend, don’t inconvenience, take a back seat, don’t step up. Be invisible and you won’t upset anyone. No one will go away.
This demureness was the opposite of what being a boy in the late 60s/early 70s was. I never really had the chance to be “a boy”; the rough and tumble, learn how to assert yourself, the stereotypical, western, societal male. I went so far afield from it that I never really developed a sense of assertiveness that would enable me to want or fight for anything.
As I grew, this cloak followed me – whether in grade-school afternoons spent with an abusive aunt, or in the first (and excruciatingly long) relationship I had. It wasn’t until my 33rd birthday that I finally started to break free from that whole cycle. Leaving my mother, my aunt, and girlfriend behind – I finally tried to move into adolescence – with disastrous results. I was sexually immature and inexperienced – I did not know “how” to be male.
I always sensed this, but never really dared acknowledge it until the subject of gender polarity in ritual came up recently. It dawned on me that when there are male/female characters in the songs I’ve written, I always identified with the female lyrics. This dovetailed nicely with the “lesbian sheep” analogy that was applied to me some months ago. Google that one if you haven’t heard it before.
I’ve been soft and nurturing my whole life – it was how I built value in my cloak. I would rarely let anyone do anything for me – whether it be massaging my shoulders, paying for lunch, or being sexually intimate. Sadly, it was rooted deep in my brain from a very young age that women don’t want sex, so it was unfathomable that a partner would ever actually ‘want’ to be sexual with me. My relationship role was to be unobtrusive, don’t inconvenience anyone – don’t act unless specifically urged to.
Fast forward to last year, before my worlds crumbled, I was standing in the shower and got a cold chill on the back of my neck and the name Artemis was stamped in my brain. I never understood why, but took it as something to be mindful of. The virginal huntress. Sure – that seemed to fit.
But it was far deeper than I could have suspected.
I think this past weekend was the first time I’d attended rituals on consecutive days. One was our normal one, but another was one where Artemis and Apollo were being called. What was interesting was that Herne was involved in the first ritual this weekend. I’d never worked with Herne before – I’d become very familiar with Manannán, but Herne was new to me.
It turns out that last minute switch from Manannán to Herne was fortuitous. I had the opportunity to commune with Herne, to taste his energy and to become comfortable with him. I understood “male” in a different way than I had through Manannán. I knew Manannán, and valued his goblet of truth – but as a sea god, he was fluid. Herne was earth. Solid. This was new for me.
The next night, I thought I was meeting Artemis for the first time. It turns out though that she was always there – from my earliest days, hers was that energy that moved with me and protected me. She was my sister, my protectress.
Then something amazing happened.
Apollo put his hand on my shoulder, and I feel like a baton was passed. Artemis passed me to her brother to help me the rest of the way on my journey. Kali, Pele, and Brighid are all prominent – as they have needed to be. But Apollo nodded to Herne and I felt a coming of age – and a step toward gender clarity.
I am allowed to be a man.
There it is. There is the block I’ve had for 47 years. I’m not beyond it, but I know what it is. The work now is putting the pieces together.
I don’t want to lose my nurturing nature, I don’t want to stop being empathetic. I treasure the lessons learned from my Yin – but I need to explore my Yang. That could get very interesting.
Above all though, I want to immerse myself in the balance. I think that the trials of all of those years give me a unique perspective. If I can effectively blend the masculine and feminine parts of myself, I think I can really be someone I can be proud of!
… and the adventure continues.
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