Nox Amicus

At 5:55pm on Sunday evening the moon was New again.

The theme for this past cycle was Integration. After years in programming, I can tell you that one of the trickiest phases in the software development lifecycle was Integration – blending myriad patches with existing code in preparation for release. I don’t think I realized how many different changes were going to be manifest in this integration.

This past cycle saw my first participation in Improv Camp. I’d been using voices and characters to either entertain others or mask myself for years – but this was one of the first times using them intentionally and while being directed. Overall it was a fantastic experience and I can’t wait to do it again – but one class in particular moved me. It was called “Hardcore Emotion”. The course description read: “In this workshop, we will work on intense emotion in scenes. Having a strong emotion gets you out of your head and playing to the top of your abilities. You will also learn how emotion will keep you in the moment and help you follow your instincts more.” All things I know I need to work on.

During my scene – my randomly chosen scene partner and I were directed to play a scene with a deep emotional reaction to a mundane event – in our case, a squeaky door. The scene progressed with ever-heightening emotions – at one point I suggested they wear earplugs to stifle the squeak and they reacted by saying “then I wouldn’t be able to hear you”.

I played out the scene but this triggered something in me. My scene partner and I talked to one another afterwards and commented on how quickly it got very deep, and I thanked them for how the scene unlocked something deeper in me. Someone wants to hear “me”.

Fast forward to a moment this weekend when I found myself feeling “accepted”, regardless of my quirks, and perhaps even because of them. As I savored this acceptance, I wondered at the fact that I was allowing myself to feel accepted too.

I realized something else just after that though – in this life, I want more than just “acceptance”.

The fact that I found this genuine, deep-seated ‘want’ was different for me. Sure, we all want things – but they’re usually transient for me. I may want to hear a particular song or eat a certain food, but bigger wants are harder to acknowledge, and harder still to voice. There was another point this weekend when a choice between two things came up and I said “I wouldn’t be unhappy…”. It was pointed out that wasn’t an “enthusiastic yes” – not being unhappy with a choice does not translate to actually being happy.

When I began to write this post I had chosen my focus for this cycle, but in light of the words in front of me, I’m going to change the focus to Wanting. What is it to be Wanting, and how does that differ from needing? Bearing in mind all the while that Wanting is a one-sided arrangement. Receiving is contingent on generosity, reciprocity, consent, and a whole variety of other conditions – but the Wanting is solely on us. We’re allowed, and even encouraged, to Want – regardless of the outcome.

The intended focus will be saved for another time, but for now – I won’t rush the process. The Wanting is enough.

The moon was New again at 4:17am this morning. It’s unusual for me to post one of these on the actual day, but it’s nice once in a while to announce a new intention with a whole month ahead of me.

The most recent theme of Silence took on a number of different flavors throughout the month. Having an intention does not always mean choosing that path – it just brings mindfulness to it. A few times during the month I had opportunities for self-advocacy which showed me that speaking my own truth can reap wonderful rewards. Meanwhile, when my Silence is induced by my social anxiety, it can hinder my progress. A case of balance in all things, I suppose. In the past week, I am certain that my Silence likely saved several long term friendships – though if we cannot be who we are with people in our closer circles, are we actually circling with them?

This brings me to this cycle’s focus of Integration. This time of year carries with it a lot of historical triggers for me – reminding me of many times when I was motivated by something other than a core belief or desire. Either being what I felt someone else needed or wanted in order to save an argument, or presenting as something less than my full self in order to be accepted.

These past few years have been full of moments of my listening to my inner voice and not perseverating over too many mundane details – to the point where I look at things I might have said or done 3-4 years ago and wonder who I was. Most of us evolve over time – and we carry forward both our hopes and our regrets. I go back to Doctor Who, and this quote from Matt Smith’s regeneration speech: “We all change, when you think about it, we’re all different people all through our lives. And that’s okay, you’ve got to keep moving, as long as you remember all the people that you used to be.”

I always try to honor everyone I have been, but I need to spend more energy focused on who I truly am. I don’t have all the ingredients for “me” yet – but as I move through this grand Integration, I feel like I am indeed Building A Mystery.

On Thursday afternoon at 1:55pm the Moon was New. Later in that afternoon, Jupiter went Retrograde. It is said that Jupiter retrograde calls us to review or Release something and can be a time of personal growth.

Timely for Jupiter’s turn, last month’s focus was on Release. In my Initiation ritual I was called to let go of my over-thinking and put more trust in my intuition. I have begun to trust that intuition more in the past three years than I used to – I always believed in it, but I would always second-guess myself. Now I find I’m saying “yes” more when I am moved to. If there needs to be damage control on the other side, so be it – but I would much rather work to make amends to someone else as a result of being true to myself, than live with the regret of not having lived this life to the fullest.

At the end of last cycle’s post, I said something that had stuck with me: “there is beauty in Silence”. Some months ago I was walking with a trusted soul, and through our conversation I thought to examine why I often feel the need to fill spaces with words. Was the comment I was considering going to further the discussion? Or was it just there to take up space?

This brought me to recall something I bring to music quite often – “rests are notes too”. Just as important as the things we sing or play are the spaces between them. Why then did I so often feel the need to speak?

What I realized on that walk was a convoluted bit of thinking – early on, my life had taken on the responsibility of crafting an environment that was “okay” – stress-free, palatable, and potentially entertaining. If I was unable to diffuse the cause of someone being upset, then I was fundamentally unlovable. When I found a place where I was undeniably accepted while being quiet – it turned that paradigm on its proverbial ear.

It is not up to me to right the world’s wrongs and make sure no one is upset. As I learned from another trusted soul – everyone is creative, resourceful, and whole. It doesn’t mean that we don’t pitch in and help – we are called to serve our communities – but rarely does success or failure rest solely on only one of us.

So the focus for this cycle is Silence. The Witch’s Pyramid is made of the phrases: ‘to know’, ‘to will’, ‘to dare’, and ‘to keep silent’. If you want to manifest something, do the work – but then be quiet. Don’t draw attention to the thing you want, or to your work – and never let hubris call you to pontificate about it.

Some monks take vows of Silence, and there are specific “silent meditation” retreats. In Silence we can discern our own thoughts, and focus on our own intuition.

At 10:52pm on June 28th the Moon was new again, and today at 2:38pm the Blessing Moon (or Meadow Moon, or Buck Moon) was full.

I am not “late” for this intention, but there were some things to move through before I could be sure what the focus was actually going to be.

The last cycle saw me looking into empowerment and something I chose to call “compassionate assertiveness”. This is something I feel I’ll be working through for a while – as with so many lessons – I had some of the “assertiveness” down, but can find places I fell short on compassion. Still, using a recently found voice is going to come with some rough patches, so in many ways some of the compassion I need to exercise is also with myself.

This past Saturday was a long-awaited ritual with my spiritual community. These particular rites tend to focus on leaving behind an aspect of ourselves that might be holding us back. I had finished the work for this particular transition in the summer of 2019 (about the time I was in Australia), and it was first scheduled for April 25, 2020 – so I have been moving in this direction for the better part of three years now. Still – the ritual was beautiful and profound, and reinforced my desire to focus and rely on my intuition rather than over-thinking.

There were a lot of things I’d planned to say for this cycle, but there is beauty in silence, so in keeping with this cycle’s focus on Release, I will Release the conscious thought and just let the spirit speak for itself.

I am normally not a fan of chants, but I am also not one to decline a gift from synchronicity.

On Monday morning at 7:30am the Moon was new again. The theme of Kindness last cycle took an unanticipated turn; the beneficiary of the Kindness ended up needing to be myself. The week following a wonderful Beltane celebration saw the final dental implant posts, and while the surgery itself was fine, I think we discovered a sensitivity to amoxicillin which leaves me feverish and fatigued.

The rest of the cycle was spent being very mindful of how I was moving through the world. A birthday and a quick trip for work helped to remind me how different my life feels these past few years.

It’s been said that my trip to Australia in 2019 was ‘outside the box’ for me – very much unlike the Sean people had come to expect. Since then there have been other ‘departures’ – letting my hair grow, losing weight, the trip to Los Angeles to see Mike & Micky perform. I’m happy with all of these, but it caused me to wonder what initially caused the shift.

Ever mindful of anniversaries, my answer was presented to me this month. May 15th marked five years since my mother’s passing.

I don’t know how my relationship with my mother presented to anyone else – even to her – but I know that for me it was a constant battle for me to not rock the boat. The stories and examples are numerous, but I very often self-censored – I wouldn’t write lyrics for fear of her reaction, I took great care in how I expressed myself because of historical criticisms. It’s no wonder that the diary entry written the week of her passing was entitled “Freedom”.

My memorial to her in that writing was “I do wish her well on her journey – she didn’t ask for, or want, what this life provided her – and I forgive her based on that. I hold no malice toward her or her spirit. She did what she was capable of – she just wasn’t capable of what she was called upon to do.”

I realized that it was after her passing that I took the first tentative steps toward not being quite so concerned about what other people thought – steadily tapping at the inside of my shell. During the trip to Hawaii in 2019 I got a taste of what I was like when I was younger – before I would build so many walls and contrivances that I would barely recognize myself.

Australia was the pivot though – it’s where I saw myself clearly, and truly felt that I was coming back toward my own center again. The years since – even with the pandemic – have been spent building on that feeling.

So, the theme this cycle is Empowerment. I think of it as blended with Kindness and thereby achieving a sort of compassionate assertiveness. Really, it all comes down to knowing yourself as completely as possible in a moment, and allowing that self to be free in the world.

The song this month is sung to myself. I have been waiting for “me” to join me on this journey for a long time. It’s as though my true self has always been singing: “I’ll be here when you are ready…” The pieces are finally coming together.

On Saturday, April 30 at 4:28pm the moon was new again.

Last month I spoke of the sweetness and simple joy found in Harmony. The idea that “the best of times can be found in the simplest things” carried on through the month. The day after I had posted that focus I left for a five day trip to Pittsburgh to honor the life and path of Fred Rogers. The path that he had manifested so clearly and consistently was one of Kindness, and this informed my focus choice for this cycle. This ethos is also reflected in one of my favorite quotes from Doctor Who – “always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind”.

It is not easy to consistently exhibit Kindness though. In the past week, as I moved to try to write this, circumstances in the world made me truly wonder if I was capable of even attempting to focus on Kindness. The more I was exposed to news, the more I saw large segments of the population fundamentally misaligned from the principles of Kindness and Compassion. I even wondered if they were deserving of my Kindness.

It was then that I recalled an important lesson I learned from my spiritual mentor – we have the freedom to feel however we are called to – but it’s what we choose to do with that feeling or motivation that counts. Abandoning my principles would make me no better than the groups I would stand in opposition to. I am called back to Doctor Who – “hate is always foolish, and love is always wise”.

This was also echoed in the teachings from a class I attended at Beltane this year. This class spoke of the Four Sublime Attitudes of Buddhism, or the brahmavihārās; which are benevolence, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity (or non-attachment). What if it were possible to approach everyone – our friends, our enemies, and the world – in the spirit of these teachings?

This is all wrapped up nicely in the lyrics to the companion song choice for this cycle – Nothing More by The Alternate Routes: “We are how we treat each other and nothing more”.

Wishing you Kindness on your path.

At 2:24am last Friday, April 1, the moon was new again.

The focus during the last cycle was Comfort – something that was much needed in light of my contracting Covid and the trials that the prior cycle’s focus on Resilience had brought. Finding Comfort has often been challenging for me, as the most Comfort I usually feel is when I retreat into my own worlds. While that can feel comfortable – I would hesitate to say it brings actual Comfort.

Places that have historically brought me Comfort have been times I’d been playing with a band, and the moments that really bring me the most joy have been singing in Harmony. Thirty years ago when my musical journey began, I could never find harmonies in songs on my own – I felt it was some odd alchemy that vocalists could just find a 3rd or a 5th in a scale and weave counter-melodies and harmonies. That was magic to me. It wasn’t really until about 3-4 years ago in this band that something finally clicked and I found myself able to find my own parts. I’m still not proficient, but I’m not embarrassed anymore.

Before our last gig on April 2nd, it was suggested that we really need to work on our harmonies. Listening back to that night I agree – there are things that we’ll hear that a general audience might not – but Harmony takes effort and attention, and if we are holding ourselves too tightly – if there is too much tension or reservation – the beauty cannot flow as easily. Learning to relax, learning to listen, learning to find our place as others work to find theirs. The analogy – and the theme – unfolds naturally.

Six years ago I was reminded of the sweetness and simple joy in Harmony when I heard this cycle’s song for the first time. It was Spring of 2016 and The Monkees had just released “Good Times!” Hearing Mike and Micky sing reminded me of all their songs I loved when I was younger, and why I loved them. I credit “Me & Magdalena” for being one of the sparks that launched me on my current journey.

I want to take some time this cycle to listen carefully to my own voice – and find closer and more relaxed Harmony with the voices around me.

This new lunar cycle began with a New Moon at 12:35pm on Wednesday, March 2nd and earlier today she became Full. So far, this has not been the easiest cycle to work through, It was very early on that I thought that I’d know what the focus for this month would be – but things changed quickly when I tested positive for Covid-19. Suddenly looking at things from a distance cause them to start to lose their meaning, and we reach for what really matters.

The focus for the last cycle was Resilience – I had thought I’d had a handle on that, but a series of dominos fell that showed me that sometimes when we are faced with challenges, no amount of being present in the moment can seem to stop our history from reacting to them. By the end of the cycle, I was beginning to rediscover a core of my Resilience and build on that in some very soul-lifting ways.

Covid brain is still a thing as I write this, so I’m going to set aside the philosophical entanglements and reveal that the focus for this cycle is simply “Comfort”. Comfort can come in many different colors – it can be a tender touch, it can be a gentle phrase, it can be an understanding glance, it can be a wonderfully timed text message, it can be a hug. It can also be silence, it can be waiting, it can be the selfless act of being. The important element is that Comfort is intentional and deliberate. We give Comfort to someone in the language in which they can easily receive it – sometimes this act alone can be the most caring.

The song this cycle is new to me – but is fitting for the theme.

“When your heart feels undone; may you always find an open hand.”

At 12:46am this morning, as the moon turned new, I was just packing up my gear from the first band practice of the new year. We’d made plans to rehearse, and we have gigs coming up – but the universe occasionally conspires to divert us from our planned course.

That was one of the tangents from last cycle’s theme of Intuition. How we can get so mired in the planning that we lose sight of the simple joys in spontaneity. Last month I wrote that “I’ve learned, more and more over the past 3 years, that better things happen when I can “be” and live in my moments, to follow the whims and whimsy of the muses.”

The past three years have been a steady progression toward a me I had thought I’d lost a long time ago. In March of 2019, when the theme was Renewal, I had written “I realized that this was the first time since 1978 (I think) that I was in Hawaii with no other family than my brother, sister-in-law, and their family. There were shadows here and there of what Sean was like before high school… and a lot of “stuff” that’s gotten in my way in the past 40 years came into perspective.”

Not long after that was my trip to Sydney to see Mike and Micky – a trip that I really see as my reaching for the reins of my life. After I’d gotten back from the trip I wrote in my journal that “I’m blessed beyond measure – but the trip showed me something important is missing from this life. Something rudimentary and foundational. And I have no idea what.”

Since then I have seen myself say “yes”, and take more chances, to try to foster my own sense of joy. Piece by piece, bit by bit, I’ve tried to add to my experience of actually living my life; working to not be held back my the gremlins I would manifest to stand in my way.

Last week I found an envelope in the apartment, and inside it were four printed pages. They were homework from therapy in April of 2002. Almost exactly twenty years ago. The homework was entitled “If I woke up and a miracle happened, what would my life be like?” When I read the answers to that question, I realized that the miracle has happened – and I am now beginning to live that life I had imagined.

So the theme for this cycle is Resilience. It’s been a slow climb from twenty years ago, but my experience over the past three years has helped me rebound a little faster each time. It’s not that the gremlins aren’t there, it’s just that I can see them more clearly for what they are – I see the road-blocks now, and am much better able to walk around them.

It is not lost on me that starting today we are also celebrating the Year of the Tiger. I have read that the tiger is symbolic of bravery, wisdom, and strength – all components I aspire to, and feel are necessary for better Resilience. Tigers will play a prominent role in my life over the next several months, so expect me to call back to this moment.

However, the song this cycle will not be “Eye Of The Tiger”. Instead it’s a song by an Australian artist who I’ve recently discovered. Lyrics in this one that speak the loudest to me include:

Standing on this wire
Makes me realise
I am alive
And I won’t settle

Life is about being challenged. Living is about how we face those challenges, and our ability to revel in the joys of their resolution.

Last Sunday at 1:35pm the moon was New again. When the cycle shifted, I already knew what the new focus would be – but I didn’t have the words. This was odd, since the focus last month, in a tribute to Nez, was Lyrics.

In that post I suggested that we go back to favorite songs or artists and listen to the words they chose – looking to understand meaning and intent. I did follow my own advice, and turned my attention to a few songs I hadn’t embraced for a while. It was good to sit and get to know those old friends again – perhaps even with an ear toward introducing them to the band.

But as I struggled to figure out how to write these words tonight, I began to be more aware that there are other pieces to the puzzle. The struggle was my analytical brain – working and pondering and trying to be oh so very clever. I even thought that perhaps I could work backwards and pick the focus song and it would help bring words to this page – yeah, that didn’t work at all.

Recently I was moved to write a diary entry on energy and entropy – so borrowing from the sailing analogy I had used there, I chose to let the sheets go slack; to take the tension out of the sails. Instead of over-clocking my analytical brain, I decided to leverage this month’s focus: Intuition.

Sometimes we get so mired in shoulds and have-tos, and sometimes even want-tos, that we lose sight of our true motivation – of what “feels” right to us. This has been a struggle for me from my beginnings – over-thinking and over-complicating and always building contingencies – but I’ve learned, more and more over the past 3 years, that better things happen when I can “be” and live in my moments, to follow the whims and whimsy of the muses.

There are always effects to our causes, and consequences to our actions – but those consequences can really bring joy and happiness. It is good to bring mindfulness to our Intuition, but it’s not always necessary to perseverate.

There is no song this time – which is as it should be. In this moment I feel it’s enough to let the Intuition speak for itself.