Nox Amicus

At 2:32pm on Monday, July 17th, the Moon was New again. She isn’t due to come to fullness until Tuesday at 2:32pm, so we’re not quite half-way through the cycle. Interesting though, that this cycle the New and Full moons both arrive at 2:32pm ET. If anyone knows if there is any astronomical reason or any astrological significance, please let me know. Given the complexity of the cosmos, I’m apt to think it’s a coincidence, but I’m not sure I believe in coincidences.

For the last cycle I set out to focus on Autonomy, specifically how I can incorporate it into a life where I am called to interact with other individuals. I concluded by noting that Immanuel Kant suggested that the concept of Autonomy entails individuals acting in accordance with their rational will and self-imposed moral principles, rather than being governed by external factors, or heteronomy. To me, this signaled that Autonomy is at the root of both authenticity and the path toward self-actualization.

The questions dawned on me though – “why do I need to work on Autonomy? What is stopping me from being Autonomous?” I began to move through my days with this in the back of my mind – catching when I was feeling like I was standing in less of my own power as well as when that feeling wasn’t as prevalent. I began to realize that I was anticipating – or steeling myself for – an emotional reaction in conversations. I seemed to be constantly on-guard, as if waiting for a shoe to drop. I eventually began to notice that there was emotion everywhere – not just in reactions to things I might say, but when someone would say something there might be moments where I would assign an emotional gravitas that they not only didn’t intend, but they were not even aware of.

I did some research and found that this is described as “emotional reasoning”. When someone engages in emotional reasoning, they interpret neutral or objective statements in a way that aligns with their current emotional state, often without considering the actual facts or intent behind the comment. 

Someone can say something and that’s simply their truth. It is just a fact to them. If they wanted to impart any emotional attachments to that, it’s on them to say it. My problem has been that I have Assumed an emotional significance or emotional weight. 

Maybe this goes right back to control. Was it easier for me to Assume or project an emotion – positive or negative – rather than to let things play out in their own time? And how much of that projection becomes manifestation?

So for this cycle, I want to be more mindful of Assumptions. Did someone actually say a certain thing, or behave in a certain way, or is the lens of my history distorting reality into something else? Additionally, I want to try to be more mindful of allowing space for fate to evolve, rather than Assuming, and thereby possibly unintentionally manifesting an outcome.

Last Sunday at 12:37am the Moon was New again. We’re at three consecutive months at publishing these within a week of the New Moon. I don’t feel like I can rest in the timing yet – but, as with all things, we’re getting there.

The last cycle’s focus was Courage – of which there has needed to be plenty. This year keeps presenting new and different challenges, which have required me to seemingly adapt my view of my reality as well as my place in it. To quote Plato from ‘Cratylus’, “Heraclitus, I believe, says that all things pass and nothing stays, and comparing existing things to the flow of a river, he says you could not step twice into the same river.” Or from ‘Dust in the Wind’ from Kansas, “only for a moment, and the moment’s gone”. In every moment, we change, and the world we live in changes. The Courage that was my focus last cycle was to try to face all of the changing moments.

This seems simple – things change every day, for everyone – we have to adapt. This is where I ran into issues with my deep seated psychology. My fundamental mission rule – “don’t upset your mother” – had expanded to “don’t upset anyone or anything”. If this casts me a bit as Nomad in the Star Trek TOS episode “The Changeling”, I’ll accept that. But that initial programming morphed to the point where I felt compelled to compartmentalize everything – including myself – to the point where I’ve come to realize that I never really belonged to ‘me’.

I said something in passing some time ago – I think it was around a tooth extraction – that the anxiety wasn’t that I was having a medical procedure performed, it was that I had somehow damaged the body that my mother had trusted me with. I didn’t belong to me. If we extrapolate from there, then who was I living this life for? This is why seemingly radical choices like flying off to Australia are so revolutionary – I made a choice that served no one but myself. No agenda, no rationale, no moral imperative – just a choice. Autonomy.

People sometimes question why I need to spend time alone so often; why I shut down communications and recede into my own shadows. It’s to reassert my sense of Autonomy and self-determination. This poses the philosophical question, can someone be self-actualized who is not also self-deterministic? I would posit ‘no’, but we’ll save that for another time. The lyrics from this cycle’s companion song ring true here:

I know that there’s a reason why I need to be alone

To show me there’s a silent place that I can call my own

I am moving through a season of my life where I am on the cusp of truly embracing my sense of self – to answer the question “what makes Sean, Sean – when he is not trying to be what anyone else needs or expects?” Or –

You don’t have to win

And there’s no need to fight

So this cycle, I will explore how I can express my own Autonomy. How can I believe and trust in it, and how can I incorporate it into a life where I am called to interact with other individuals? In 1795, Immanuel Kant published his account of Autonomy in his book “Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals”. In it, Kant suggested that the concept of Autonomy entails individuals acting in accordance with their rational will and self-imposed moral principles, rather than being governed by external factors, or heteronomy. To me, this signals that Autonomy is at the root of both authenticity and the path toward self-actualization.

No one said the waters of Heraclitus’ river wouldn’t be deep.

This past Friday, at 11:53am, the Moon was New again. This is the second cycle in a row where I’ve gotten this intention composed within about a week. This feels like good timing – close enough to be relevant, but not rushed.

Last month’s theme of Conflation spoke about how so many moments this year seemed to ignite patterned responses from years ago – or were even being concurrently mirrored in other parts of my life. The past few weeks have seen the work of doing my best to stay in this reality as I try to navigate the challenges I face now.

There has been no shortage of challenges either. Last week I had to contend with a milestone birthday, the energy shift I feel around the time of a New Moon, and the anniversary of my mother’s passing – all this, in addition to moving through the changes that 2023 has brought.

It has been a turbulent year. I have found that many areas of my life that I had thought were really well defined are now in a state of flux. Some of these changes are good and healthy, some of them are profoundly sad but still healthy, some are still to be determined. To be honest, some are actually all three.

Change is hard. Growth is hard. From an early age I was always shy, hesitant, or afraid. I had felt I was a burden, and in many ways that I was undeserving of love. I have grown and evolved over time, but those early feelings – and the coping skills I’d developed to try to present as ‘normal’ in the real world – were omnipresent. They were the well worn wheel tracks in the road of my life. So much a part of me that I never really saw how much they weren’t “me” at all.

People have told me how my trip to Australia in 2019 was ‘brave’ – when I simply thought I was finally doing what I was called to do – but I see it now. Having the strength to move as our spirit wills us does require a certain kind of Courage. The Courage to loosen our hold on our own expectations, as well as the Courage to trust that the path we are on is true. This is why Courage is the focus for this cycle. 

I am in the process of finding that living this life requires a Courage that I never felt myself capable of. Some of it has been having the Courage to self-advocate, which I feel I have gotten better at. But I am also learning the Courage that both comes from, and results in, taking responsibility for all of the facets of my life – celebrating the victories, and doing my very best to make up for the things I get wrong.

I used to skip to the end of books, or look up the ending to a movie, because the anxiousness of waiting for the outcome was too intense. But the future is unwritten – I would never have predicted some of these twists and turns, but I am doing my best to live this life moment by moment with as much Courage as I can muster; with wonder at what the future might hold. I may finally be learning that the most optimistic question is “What could happen next?”

At 12:13am on April 20th the Moon was New again. It hasn’t quite been a week yet, and I have gone longer after a New Moon to compose one of these – but I felt an urgency to post this tonight.

The theme last month was Healing, and in that post I talked about how I felt like this year I was waking from a long, long nap – finally realizing the life I was in the midst of. It’s a frightening prospect to look back at how you made decisions, how you crafted your reality – only to realize that none of the logical paths you had used made any sense any more. Reality isn’t meant to be crafted, it’s meant to be experienced.

This past month has seen more challenges. As I grapple with the damage control that comes with a sudden onset of authenticity, I also find  myself reminded… actually no, reliving… experiences from earlier in my life. I came face-to-face, on several occasions, with chances to try to “do better” in a situation than I might have in the past. As with all things, there have been successes and failures.

In February’s post I had mentioned that I was observing the tenth anniversary of “Life of Pi” Day. There have been layers of ghosts from that period in my life that have been tapping and triggering me all year, and particularly over this past month. But true to the theme of the cycle, there were also opportunities for healing.

These ghosts became incredibly pronounced earlier in the month – to the point where I began to use the word Conflation. In some cases I found myself unable to distinguish the events of today from the events of ten years ago. They were merged in my limbic system, and I was reactant.

This was profoundly impactful while I was at a spiritual conference earlier this month. I knew with every fiber of my being that I was not living ten years ago – but there were triggers everywhere. Whether it was a song being sung, or old and familiar faces wandering hallways, or just the circumstances I found myself witness to – it became more and more difficult to separate my yesterdays and todays.

But the Universe provides. Throughout that weekend, when things got darkest, there seemed to be something or someone placed in my path. Whether it was an unexpected roommate, a soul-healing dinner, a random conversation, a well-timed text message, or a late night conversation with a spiritual mentor – I felt cradled by the Universe, and by all the souls who were agents of that caring. One healing moment in particular involved a gentle soul from that time ten years ago, and I felt we managed to say our best words to one another and heal some old wounds.

I am still wrestling with Conflation though – which is why it is the focus for this cycle. I need to be better aware of Conflation as it happens and take that breath between stimulus and response. To be certain that the reaction I am having is to my present – and that I am not blending decades-old angst or trauma into these moments. Today has it’s own challenges – I don’t need to compound them with those from my history.

This past Tuesday at 1:23pm the Moon was New again. Numbers geeks will appreciate that the date and time could be expressed as 3/21 1:23pm.

The theme last cycle was Lessons – where I tried to learn from the mistakes I’d made. I had listed a number of lessons I’d already been presented – don’t keep secrets, listen to people, and don’t assume. A few weeks ago while in discussion with a trusted soul I stumbled upon another lesson: I need to have more faith in the people who love me.

That sounds pretty fundamental, doesn’t it? We should have faith in the people who love us – but I learned at a young age that the kind of “love” I needed and what I was being offered were not the same. The control, walls, and compartmentalization that I spoke about in the last post were crafted over the years to build a ‘safe space’ to try to substitute for the ‘loving space’ that was so hard for me to find.

I remember the moment, at a young age, when my worldview shifted. When I felt like I had to either be the peacekeeper, or otherwise had to affect change in everything so that there would be no conflict or even tension. I became the performer, the comedian, the genius, and the fool. I don’t hold any ill will at all to that moment or it’s cause – it came from a place I’d come to know all too well – but it was a moment.

What’s been interesting over the past few months is that I have started to remember the safety and security that existed just prior to that moment. Before the shift, before the games, before the myriad identities. It has almost come to feel like some other Sean was shepherding this existence for that child, ready to hand it over when I was ready.

This is not my Jungian “inner child” – this is actually me. The real me, the unaffected me – hidden away for just about 57 years. It started to be reborn as I deliberately unraveled my relationship with my mother. Once she passed away I did mourn for a time – but then started to realize that the need for me to dispel conflict or tension was fading as a direct result of her absence. That was 2017, just as these New Moon posts started to become regular occurrences.

After a while I finally learned that the choices in my life were mine – so I released a CD, flew to Australia to see a concert, and more. I began to embrace life and try to show up for it. I stumbled a lot in those days – and in many ways, the pandemic helped by giving me a cocoon to Heal in. Coming out of the pandemic I took more chances, I started leaning more into this life. I also continued to make mistakes while I was learning how to “be” all over again.

Last July I underwent a ritual as part of my spiritual path designed to Heal “the memory of injuries in the past can close the heart and cloud judgment.” Ever since then, this growth and Healing has felt exponential. There was more self-discovery and unfettered self-expression at Improv Camp, and finally toward the end of 2022 so much of my Healing was falling into place.

This year has brought the reality that with all Healing there is pain too. The transitions and shifts as things settle into their new positions are destined to be uncomfortable at best. Of course, I had exacerbated them. But now a more Healed me has the opportunity, and the tools, to do my best to help Heal the damage I’d caused over the years.

So yes – the focus for this cycle is Healing, and this cycle’s companion song has the following lyrics that fit the theme:

I have wandered through this world

And as each moment has unfurled

I’ve been waiting to awaken from these dreams

I feel as though I have woken from a 57 year long nap. There are choices I wished the caretaker might have made differently, but as I have been reminded recently, all of those poor choices and behaviors have become Lessons I have learned from.

…my eyes have seen the years

And the slow parade of fears without crying

Now I want to understand

I can cry now, I can feel now, I am beginning to understand, and hopefully now I can work toward continued Healing.

On Monday morning at 2:06am the moon turned New again, ending last month’s focus of Weather. In that last post, I was describing surviving some of life’s stormier moments and talked about how we navigate the natural changes in our lives when they’re distorted, and often amplified by, a past that won’t be ignored.

In that post, I asserted that it was all Weather, and that we needed the challenges we’re presented with in order to grow. The past cycle also included the tenth anniversary of Life of Pi Day, and I commented how I am not the person I was ten years ago. I realize now that I’m not even the person I was 10 months ago. Frankly, I’m not living the life that I thought I was living ten weeks ago.

I had a vision or a dream a couple months back where I saw myself as a soft and pliable creature — but I had metal rods woven through me, forming a kind of skeleton. I realized in that moment that I was literally embodying control — so I visualized removing the rods and forging a hammer from them — reasoning that it was better to wield or exercise control, than to have it be my all-consuming state.

Throughout my life, I’ve tried to shelter the people I care about — and myself — from everything. Assuming control of things I had no control over, or any right to control, I had woven those metal rods over a long period of time. Part of the sheltering was building compartments where all of the facets of my life could live undisturbed by — and unaware of — any other facets of my life. It took an incredible amount of energy to maintain those silos — but just like the rods, it was second nature to me — it was who I was.

I wanted to be free of it all though. I wanted to live one whole life — not dozens of lesser lives. Ten years ago, I realized I could never have a birthday party because no two groups would get along — and I was all about everyone at least pretending to get along. Over this past decade — and mostly since 2019 — I had dismantled a lot of walls. I really thought that I had been doing better.

Unraveling the control rods though… that blew the firewalls out of any remaining compartments. Firewalls that, in many cases, I had become oblivious to. I was the architect — I had the drawings — it was up to me to keep everything up to code and to keep everyone safe.

I failed.

The only way to move on from failure is to learn the Lessons it teaches you — so the theme for this cycle is Lessons. I thought about it being ‘control’ or ‘failure’ — but I want to learn from all of it. I want to keep striving to do and be better. To quote this cycle’s song — “I’m just another fallen angel, trying to get through the night.”

So what have I learned? First, architectural drawings shouldn’t be secrets. There should always be public hearings and as comprehensive a communications strategy as possible. You’d think with a degree in communications, I would know this. Second, listen to people — and if you don’t understand what they’re asking — get clarification. If you don’t understand questions and warnings, do the work and figure it out. To quote my favorite West Wing episode, “You listen to everybody and then you call the play.” Third, assume nothing. It’s really true — if you assume it makes an ass of u and me. If you can’t point to how you know — then you simply don’t know what you think you know.

The future can’t be the same as the past — and it shouldn’t be — that defeats the purpose. That doesn’t mean that we can’t learn Lessons from the past to build a brighter future though. I still have Lessons to learn, damage to clean up, and amends to make — but I want to do the righter things. Or, to quote Frozen 2 — “do the next right thing.”

The tag line from the focus song for the cycle says it best though — “All I want from tomorrow, is to get it better than today….”

At 3:53pm yesterday, January 21st, the moon was New. Look at me being all timely this cycle!

My last post focused on Action – and the differentiation between the Action to pursue a desire and the Action to understand the motivation behind it. What the intention taught me though was that Action happens – we can affect some control, we might be able to break a little inertia – but the Universe is going to Act regardless of whether it suits our plans.

This was echoed in a conversation with a trusted soul around the idea that “the future is unwritten” – and I posited that we have it within ourselves to pick up the pen. It was pointed out that while that’s true to a degree, every future is not ours to write. The Universe might accept feedback, and we might be able to craft our performance to an extent – but we are reliant on the sum of all the parts to determine what the narrative is.

The story being written now has some very complex twists and turns. It feels like every important facet of my life is in a state of flux. This is all coming at a time when my unnatural awareness of anniversaries is undermining my self-confidence. Ten years ago, during this cycle, my life profoundly crashed and burned through psychological abuse and gaslighting. I need to take care, because the echoes and memories can be vivid. But that was then –  I am not the person I was, and the people who surround me today are profoundly amazing and I am truly blessed. To reference “The Life of Pi”, I prefer this story.

But what do we do with the “ick” when it comes up? How do we navigate natural changes in our lives when they’re distorted and often amplified by a past that won’t be ignored?

The answer is the same way we might allay our fear when traveling through any storm. It’s all only Weather. Sure – it might be intense and even damaging, but if we can seek the right kinds of shelter, it always passes. The beauty of this is that rain can wash away the ick and the sun will literally show us everything in a new light.

So the theme for this cycle is Weather. We need all of the Weather – wind, sun, precipitation, and dryness – in all of their majesty. We need the challenges we’re presented with in order for us to grow. How we face those challenges can give us the opportunity to ask for the help we need. Storms bind our communities together, sunlight crafts a space to celebrate.

So everywhere you go, always take the Weather with you!

At 2:17am on December 23rd the moon was new. Earlier this evening, at 6:08pm, She became full. I’m not sure there’s ever been a half-cycle gap between a New Moon and my professed intention before, but here we are.

I find that I’m still digging into the feelings around Wanting from September’s focus. In that post, I wrote “Receiving is contingent on generosity, reciprocity, consent, and a whole variety of other conditions – but the Wanting is solely on us. We’re allowed, and even encouraged, to Want – regardless of the outcome.”

But what happens when we’re not truly certain what “we” actually want?

Following this thread of thinking, I happened upon something called mimetic theory, proposed by 20th century French philosophical anthropologist René Girard. In describing mimetic theory, Girard wrote that “Man is the creature who does not know what to desire, and he turns to others in order to make up his mind. We desire what others desire because we imitate their desires.”

This resonated with my October post on Reciprocity – where I had said that “what we Want might be what another desires to receive, and that what they are free to give fulfills our Wanting.” As I burrow deeper into this I see seeds from my childhood – where it was safer for me to want something that had a high probability of being provided, rather than follow my own bliss.

Last month I focused on Surrender – and my feeling when confronted with an unfulfilled want, it might be better to step away from the desire than continue to pursue it in what might be an unhealthy way. This was summed in the last line, to Surrender – but don’t give yourself away.

In that same focus on Surrender though, I talked about the Wheel of Consent and noted that ‘Giving/Taking/Allowing/Receiving are all Actions’. Perhaps the healthy option to divining desire, and perhaps even fulfilling it, is not by letting the chips fall where they may, but rather to affect a change in our Action.

Everything worth having is worth working for – but sometimes that work is less about the active pursuit of a desire, but rather the work to understand our motivations and what that want or desire actually serves. What do we want, and why do we want it? How do we answer those questions when our perception of our intrinsic wants might have been blocked or stunted?

So the focus for this cycle is Action – and for solace on the journey I’ll turn to Pete Townshend and The Who, and the second half of the bridge to this cycle’s song:

I don’t know where I’m going
I don’t know what I need
But I’ll get to where I’m gonna end up
And that’s alright by me

Townshend, Pete. “Let’s See Action.” Hooligans, 1981, https://www.songfacts.com/lyrics/the-who/lets-see-action.

At 5:57pm on Wednesday, November 23rd the Moon was New again. I have known about this theme since then and had wanted to post this – but holidays, band gigs, birthdays, and the like happened first. If we are going to reflect on life, it’s important to remember to live it as well!

Last cycle’s theme of Reciprocity was in reaction to the prior cycle’s focus on Wanting. In thinking about Reciprocity, I thought about the acts of Wanting and Receiving, and how being open to Getting what we Give, and Giving what we might wish to Receive, are all gathered in a similar construct. This reminded me of Betty Martin’s “Wheel of Consent” – where the acts of Giving/Taking/Allowing/Receiving are all quadrants in a wheel.

Through this journey of allowing myself to Want, and understanding that my nature is to embrace Reciprocity, I acknowledge that the aforementioned Giving/Taking/Allowing/Receiving are all actions. Reminiscent of Massive Attack’s song “Teardrop” which opens “love, love is a verb – love is a doing word”. But what happens when we don’t have the spoons to act?

This brings us to this cycle’s theme – Surrender. By Surrender, I am not necessarily implying that a Want is no longer worth working for, but rather sometimes it’s necessary to relieve ourselves of our self-imposed obligation to do the work. Instead of swimming in a current, leave ourselves open to where the current might take us.

Surrendering to the currents of a Want can be scary – without our persistent momentum against resistance, we fear we would lose whatever precious ground we might have gained. This is why Surrender here is geared more toward intent than action – to change focus and perception – to understand that Having, while still good and important, must be measured against personal cost.

Or as Cheap Trick so eloquently sang: Surrender, surrender – but don’t give yourself away.

• Wheel of Consent
• “Teardrop” by Massive Attack
• Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory

Wishing a Blessed Samhain to all who celebrate!! At 6:49am last Tuesday the moon was new again, so before morning She will be one quarter full.

The theme last month was Wanting, and in the closing for the post I’d said that “Receiving is contingent on generosity, reciprocity, consent, and a whole variety of other conditions – but the Wanting is solely on us.”

Years ago, after attending a conference, I had thought that I wanted to ‘Make Compassion Contagious’ – so I started an online presence called “Catch Compassion”. It still exists on Facebook and Twitter (for the time being). The philosophy behind it was simple – “Be grateful. Want without expectation. Accept with humility. Love without agenda. Make Compassion Contagious”.

As an aside, I’d realized in the past year that about the same time I’d had this epiphany, Deepak Chopra published an article entitled “How to Make Compassion Contagious” – further evidence that if the Universe wants to give birth to a concept, She will do it by any means necessary. I am grateful to have also been a conduit for this thought.

When the focus for the last cycle became “Wanting”, my mind turned toward that theme – ‘Wanting Without Expectation’. Those who know me understand that I believe that the Universe doesn’t understand negatives, and this created a paradox – how do I want “without” expectation and not use the word “without”? This thought experiment lead me down many roads, but I finally landed on ‘Want with Trust” – and I held to that during this cycle. As I explored various Wants – successful finger surgery, good band gigs, smoother times at work, etc. – I tried to place a sense of trust that the things I Wanted could be in line with the flow of the Universe.

As I thought about the focus for this cycle, I thought about both Trust and Balance – but I try not to re-use themes, and both of them have had their turns (in 2018 and 2019 respectively).

Earlier I recalled how I’d said that receiving was contingent on a variety of things, among them Reciprocity. This brought to mind times shared this summer with a wonderful soul who had spoken to me about Reciprocity. It was there that I’d found my focus for this cycle.

Wanting and receiving are sides of a similar coin. When we allow ourselves to slip into the stream of things being Reciprocal, we can find that we are not alone in our Wants – that what we Want might be what another desires to receive, and that what they are free to give fulfills our Wanting. This can be true of individuals, communities, or Everything. Where there is Reciprocity, there might also be balance and satisfaction – and in that space we may find ourselves able to share joy, not just receive it.

As the band continues to cover this companion song, its lyrics will hold a deeper meaning for me. Life is fuller when we realize that we do indeed reap what we sow, and we get what we give.