Joy
At 11:02pm on May 26th, the Moon was New again. Leading up to that moon, I was convinced what the theme was going to be! I prepared for it; I researched it – but a moment from a few days before was stuck in my brain and wouldn’t dislodge.
In the last post on Apologies, I spoke about the origins of the word Sorry being from the base of the noun “sore.” Its synonyms in this case include ‘pained’ and ‘distressed.’ On reflection, this brought me back to a diagnosis from a psychologist 20 years ago – sure, I had generalized anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorders – but I also had what amounted to dysphoria. This was explained as the antonym of euphoria; I am predisposed to see the glass as half-empty. Whether this is neurochemical or conditioned as a result of trauma, we don’t know – and honestly, I don’t know how much it matters.
I have done a lot of work in twenty years to see the brighter side, to not get mired in the everything – but sometimes that amounts to nothing more than masking, where I don’t believe it, but I am in “fake it ’til you make it” mode. This is especially true in times where I am particularly stressed – times when I need to be “on” and reliable. It’s times like this that the anxiety simply takes over.
The trigger question that flipped the script on the focus for this post was an honest query related to a potential birthday gift: “What would make you happy?”
Back in November, I wrote a post on Definition, wondering how I define myself. In that post I spoke about the movie “Inside Out 2” and how the primary conflict in the movie was between Joy and Anxiety. As I had been recounting the movie at the time, a most trusted soul asked where my brain escaped to during the moments where Anxiety is in control, and I related that it was in Sydney. In that post in November, I said, “There was a completeness in Sydney where there were no contingencies or expectations – I was free to walk the streets with no agenda at all – as myself, not a customized version of me created for someone else.” It is in these moments that I find Joy.
I went through a period of time in my life where I would not use the word Happy when referencing myself. I believed it was bad luck – or some twisted kind of nirvana – where the moment you say you’re there, you get kicked out. Happy was anathema to me. I’m working on softening that stance – but for the sake of honoring that discomfort, the theme for this cycle is Joy.
This past weekend I watched the season finale of Doctor Who. While the Doctor was expressing fear about an upcoming event, one of their prior incarnations advised: “Don’t go in fear, go with that lovely smile”. This preceded the Doctor being comforted by a character from the last Christmas special – Joy.
We change, we grow, and we become. Through all of the lives we live and faces we put on, we are still and always us. But those subsequent iterations are informed by the spirit with which we enter them. The day is just the day – it can be anything. But if we can find a way, any way, to approach it with Joy instead of with anxiety, it simply makes for a better day for everyone!
I should have been riddled with anxiety when I went to Sydney – but I wasn’t, at all. I embraced it and lived it, and found great Joy in all of it. I know that feeling, I am capable of that feeling, and I believe that I don’t have to fly halfway around the world to recapture it.
There was a song that was the impetus for that trip, “The Door Into Summer” by the Monkees. On that trip I actually had a chance to tell Mike Nesmith (who sang it) that the second verse is what brought me all that way to meet him. Today, as we are looking at the threshold of another summer in a few weeks, I want to reflect on the Joy found in that trip, and do my best to greet each day welcoming whatever Joys, large or small, can be presented. Anxiety can rest, Joy can breathe in the day.
Categories: Blog, New Moon
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