Protected: Investigate Executive Overreach and Protect U.S. Soft Diplomacy
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Support
At 7:45pm on February 27th, the Moon was New again. I am posting this closer to the Full Moon than the New Moon this cycle – but I am hopeful to be able to set an intention and draw down the energies needed to manifest it.
During this past cycle, my focus was on Fraternity. I juxtaposed my own feelings around needing to keep the peace and avoid conflict with a need to be fiercely protective and nurturing. How can you peacefully fight a war?
This is all brought about by the current climate that is seeing the implosion of a world I had grown up feeling was indestructible. We were always led to believe the existential threat would come from the outside, not the inside. But that presupposed honor and integrity – the erosion of which has been accelerating for over 40 years now.
These days I am reminded of my father, who, after the terrorist attacks on September 11th, said something akin to ‘this isn’t a world I want to live in anymore’. I want to stress that what I am about to say is not any kind of ideation – but I think I get where he was coming from. We come to understand that while there are hiccups and bumps in the road, there will always be progress, there will always be evolution of the human condition. Today, I am seeing tragic regression.
I am not okay.
Nevertheless – I am a cisgender white male of Western European descent, passable as “normal’ by all appearances. I am not seen as part of an at-risk population – whether that population is the LGBTQ+ community, people of color, people with chronic medical issues, or Federal workers. I need to be an ally. I need to stand up for my chosen family. If I don’t stand, then I am complicit in the persistent attacks on them.
But I am depleted.
Nevertheless – I need to stand. So the focus for this cycle is Support.
Support has to be mutual now. It can’t be carrying, it can’t be service – at least not all the time. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It also can’t be theoretical. In the last cycle I posited that we embrace the sense of community from the ground up and lead each moment and each interaction with compassion. Still very valid strategies – when we have the energy.
Shortly after the Moon was New, I felt the need to be Supportive in real time – and in my presence I saw Support in one of the simplest shelters, the lean-to. We lean into one another, receiving support while simultaneously giving it. There may not be much forward momentum, but there is survival.
I was discussing this with a trusted soul this past week, and they referred me to a 2008 scientific paper entitled “Social Support and the Perception of Geographical Slant” (available by searching the title, the article is currently available on the National Library of Medicine website). The abstract prefaces the heart of the work in this sentence: “Participants accompanied by a friend estimated a hill to be less steep when compared to participants who were alone.”
If we extend this, when seen through the lens of sympathetic or empathetic community, maybe our struggles are not as insurmountable as they appear in the dark of night.
The song for this cycle extends the concept of leaning into one another. I am buoyed by this line in particular:
But if we are wise
We know that there’s always tomorrow
May we sustain one another into our tomorrows!
Fraternity
The last new moon was at 7:36am on January 29th. We are almost halfway through this cycle, and until last night I hadn’t felt as though I was any closer to having words – much less having focus.
I am grateful for that sentiment changing yesterday. It was a trying day where I felt I had to lay the groundwork to say goodbye to someone I had once been very close to. Goodbyes of this type are rarely easy – but sometimes we need to do difficult things for our overall health – and to align with our deepest held values.
In last cycle’s focus, I closed the writing by saying that we need to “Cast off that which burdens us, or no longer serves us, and unfurl the sails. Breathe the air, feel the salt spray, and set a course for the horizon.” The freedom and tranquility of the open sea calls loudly these days, and there is so much that is spiritually burdensome. I am reminded of something a dear, trusted soul told me twelve years ago – “make room in your life for joy.”. Joy has been an infrequent companion these past few weeks.
As a spiritual mentor keeps echoing to me – we cannot help the way we feel, but we do have control over how we choose to react. I can either become catatonic and surrender to my terrors, or I can lash out in omnidirectional anger and frustration, or I can choose a gentler path.
My own mental chemistry cajoles me into assuming responsibility for making everything okay. Don’t let there be unpleasant ripples in the lives around you, keep the peace and avoid conflict. Of course, this becomes completely undone when one of my other triggers is set off. If someone acts in a way reminiscent of one or more antagonistic characters in the story of my life – this persona of peaceful arbiter of neutrality morphs into selfish self-preservation. I don’t particularly like either side of that coin. I would prefer to blend personal agency with an open generosity of spirit.
This brings me to the focus for this cycle: Fraternity. No – not the Greek campus organizations, but the second definition: “the state or feeling of friendship and mutual support within a group” – helping one another. I had a moment last month when I was volunteering at the door of an event, acting as a gatekeeper to keep the event safe. This evoked a feeling of being protective and nurturing toward a community that needed those things in that moment. This is who and what I want to be, and this is who I hope we all might aspire to being.
The motto of the French Republic, enshrined in their constitution, is Liberté, égalité, fraternité – or liberty, equality, and fraternity. I always believed these ideals were common to my country as well – but I’m not sensing that these days, and that makes me sad. I find I am angry because I am mourning the loss of something I had grown up feeling couldn’t be compromised – and it’s being lost as a result of a long-game of deceptive glamour. Pretend to give the people what they want, and you can charge anything for it – including their very freedom.
But what if we flip the script and think globally and act locally? What if we all were the gatekeepers of those around us who are less fortunate? What if we embrace the sense of community from the ground up? What if we disregard the noise and lead each moment and each interaction with compassion? Can we make kindness and compassion contagious?
So this cycle I will work to embrace the concept of Fraternity – of working for the common good. I will try to set aside the weapons of war for the tools of peace. I will endeavor to understand, and where relevant educate, rather than dismiss. Much like I did in the ‘goodbye’ I mentioned earlier, I left open an avenue for compromise. There are very few people who are not eligible for a redemption arc.
The bridge for this cycle’s song has to be my mantra:
If I’m laden at all
I’m laden with sadness
That everyone’s heart
Isn’t filled with the gladness
Of love for one another
At least in the microcosm, I want to try to greet the world with love and compassion and support. I felt no burden gatekeeping the event – I was proud to carry my brothers and sisters. It wasn’t a sacrifice, it was a privilege. We don’t lose anything when we give to an honorable cause.
Jimmy Carter
I rarely post anything with a political bent anymore – there just doesn’t seem to be a point. Today is an exception.
Sometimes I will have conversations with people who came up in the world after I did. These folks don’t have any recollection of the “American Dream” being realistic. When they ask when I thought things changed, or at least when my faith in the better parts of America shifted, I continually find myself at the election of Ronald Reagan in 1980.
I didn’t realize it then – but between the rise of the Christian Conservatives and the brewing lack of integrity brought about by dabbling in potential theocracy, the “right thing” – caring for one another, excelling and celebrating in our own gifts and abilities, autonomy, and freedom began to lapse.
When I read the attached article for the first time a few days ago, it gave voice to many of the things that I had felt, but did not have the words or accurate history for.
Very few people who see this post will read the article – and that’s okay, I am not here to try to shift anyone’s perspective. But in honor of Jimmy Carter’s memorial today, this is simply my way of thanking one of the last great American presidents of my lifetime.
https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/12/29/jimmy-carter-progressive-evangelical-00084165
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Movement
The Moon was New again at 5:27pm on December 30. The last New Moon of 2024, and now we begin a new year – not quite with a clean slate, but at least with opportunity.
The last focus was Hills – where I explained how one of the elements of my personality I am most fond of is my penchant for wandering off to climb a hill to see what’s there. I closed the last post with a quote from the companion song – “I’ve got my hands and my head full – A cautious step but I’m hopeful. I leave the station I go up into the Hills”
I am still very much working on finding my self; understanding what inspires and motivates me. I was blessed enough to travel to London with my sister a few weeks ago, and while I was away, I tried to find moments to sit with my thoughts in a comfortably unfamiliar environment.
The only thing that really came to me was the urgency of staying in motion. I savor quiet hours at home without interruption – but I realized that during those hours I am not chasing the dopamine hit from movies, books, or video; I am more often bouncing from project to project, trying to make order from the chaos that is usually the state of my life. Being away from it all, I came to realize just how much is on my plate. I am known to say, “It’s all good stuff,” and it is – but where are the priorities? What’s there because it really serves me, and what’s there because it’s either assumed or expected?
A life spent in service can be a beautiful thing – but even those who serve need to be motivated by what serves them. Trudging through the days simply “doing the needful” (thanks to my South Asian friends for that turn of phrase), working for some elusive goal without the requisite satisfaction from the moments spent, is not enough. It should never be enough. There are too many stories scattered in my history of people who worked to fulfill some dream of retirement, only to not be able to live that dream.
I was reminded of this just a few weeks ago when a friend passed away suddenly, having just recently wound down their workload in anticipation of retirement. Life is too short, no matter what your age or condition. I wish I could go back to my fifteen-year-old self. Or my eight-year-old self. Or any stop along the way from there to here. Live with integrity, live with compassion, live with gratitude and kindness – but also live for your own dreams and desires in each moment. Not for someday – but for right now.
So the focus for this cycle is Movement. More specifically, the simplicity of Movement. It isn’t difficult to live – it’s challenging to live well. Cast off that which burdens us, or no longer serves us, and unfurl the sails. Breathe the air, feel the salt spray, and set a course for the horizon. It’s just another Hill after all.
Hills
At 1:21am on December 1st, the Moon was new again. Yes – that’s 1:21 on 12/1. Cool the way the Universe can spell things out for us, isn’t it?
The focus for the last cycle was, fittingly, Crossroads – where I’d wondered whether to cloister myself away or venture out into the world and try to make some kind of difference; it was a search for purpose and meaning.
There are always choices at a Crossroads – you can move forward, you can move to one side or another, you can retreat and move backwards, or you can even stand still. I was watching myself move through the potential choices as I stood. I really grappled with what this focus was going to be for a long time. Several times I thought I had topics that almost resonated but were never quite right.
I began to look back over the past few months of writings – from Freedom to Mattering to Definition to Crossroads – a linear struggle to encapsulate and thereby extrapolate who I am. Each potential focus was right – but they were also both extravagant and safe. Lovely for show, but were they real? Was I letting me be me? Was I perpetuating the same dilemma?
On Monday evening I had dinner with a friend I’d met through work. Over a dinner of Thai food, they were telling me about how they had bounced from their native Sydney to Denver, then Florida, then finally Philadelphia. As I was sitting and sharing stories with someone who, on paper, I would be unlikely to ever meet – I realized that this is the nature of my life. Yes, ‘Sydney’ was a helpful trigger — but the whole evening reminded me of something I have come to believe about myself.
I often have no idea what I’m doing. A technical band adventure last week was another case in point – collaborating to do a thing and do it the “right way” even though neither of us had a preconceived idea of how to go about it. But this informed “no idea what I’m doing” leads me to want to be the kind of person who leaves the village, walks across the land, and climbs up a hill just to see what’s there and tell the village. I don’t want to go to the thing I saw – I’ll let someone else blaze the trail. But I’ll tell them where the trail should go.
So from my station at the Crossroads, I want to climb the Hills. It’s only through going up, elevating ourselves, and seeing what the landscape looks like that we can make our best, most informed, and educated suppositions about where to go next. Not standing still, but rather carefully evaluating the potential directions. From the Hills we can see both the light and shadow; we can see where we’ve been and all of the places we might go.
The companion song this cycle is an obscure one – “Follow Me into the Hills” by Kathryn Calder. There were a number of songs about Hills and climbing, but many made reference to the higher ground – and I didn’t want to wrap myself in that style of judgment. Instead, the lyric that speaks to me here is “Into the Hills, I’ve got my hands and my head full – A cautious step but I’m hopeful. I leave the station I go up into the Hills”.
Next cycle I hope to come back down from those Hills and let you know what I found!
Crossroads
At 8:47am on November 1st, the moon was new again. The theme for the last cycle was Definition. In an effort to figure out what Mattered, I wanted to try to take some time to figure out exactly who I was. The results were mixed.
October presented numerous opportunities for personal growth. I faced challenges with new people in unfamiliar environments, there were vibrant gigs with the band, which allowed me to express myself musically. I overcame obstacles that were Defining to my professional identity. I had a moment with my spiritual community that was deeply resonant. However, I realize that these experiences are merely components that could belong to anyone. Nothing truly stood out as a unique path for my Definition. And maybe that’s really the lesson there. We are the sum of our experiences – and it’s those moments that are unique to each of us.
Today, I find myself reflecting not only on my personal life but also on the state of the world at large, in microcosm and macrocosm. I sense that the world, the country, and myself have moved beyond the realm of Definition and decision. Instead, we all find ourselves at Crossroads, with the multiple directions seemingly limitless. Each path represents a different perspective, a different variable. Do we choose the path of resistance, railing against the perceived impositions on us? Or do we succumb to complacency, accepting the status quo and diligently going about our daily lives? Do we actively bury our heads in the sand, deferring that it’s someone else’s problem?
In this moment of reflection, I opt for a fourth alternative. There’s a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that teaches that “it is only by cultivating peace in our own body and mind, releasing tension, calming strong emotions, re-evaluating our perceptions, and making peace with our family members and colleagues, that we will be able to create peace in our society, our nation and in the world.” So yeah – over the past several years I’ve had the “luxury” of unpacking a lot of my underlying stress and anxiety in an effort to make peace with my past and myself. Now I feel that inner work needs to take a back seat to instilling a little more distance and fortitude, and trying to be of better service to the greater community.
This focus on self and the radiating outward of energies is truly where I’ve always strived to be. It’s been in my spirituality for over a decade now, my musical journey for at least eight years, and my focus on compassion for about ten years. However, we’re entering a new age, and I know that I have the privilege of directing my energies outwards rather that just focusing on myself, and that there are souls beyond me needing my energies more than I do. We’re all at a Crossroads where we have to make a choice between who we are, who we’ve been, and who we want to become.
So as we leave this last cycle of harvest, I stand at a Crossroads. To keep my head down and perseverate and evaluate and contemplate – or to go out in the world and do and use the keys I’ve been given to unlock the doors? To quote this cycle’s companion song though – “anything is possible when we’re sowing the seeds of love.”
Wanting
Wanting—it’s a simple word, but for some of us, it’s more complicated than it seems. For a long time, I’ve struggled with expressing what I want. Growing up, there was this unspoken rule that I wasn’t allowed to want, that asking for things was troublesome. I absorbed the message that I was meant to stay in the background, never make waves, never speak out. But despite those internalized barriers, I’ve come to realize something fundamental: I want things. In fact, I want a lot of things.
Saying that out loud is still uncomfortable for me. I still wrestle with whether what I want is “appropriate,” or whether anyone else could want the same things. I catch myself thinking there’s something inherently wrong with my wanting. Maybe it’s tied to childhood trauma or the fear of being seen as too much. But here’s what I’m starting to understand: Wanting isn’t wrong. It’s human. And maybe there are other people out there who want a safe space to want the same things I do.
Recently, I had a moment of clarity when someone said to me, “You can have that anytime you want it. You just have to say so.” They weren’t asking the generic “What do you want?” but instead made it specific. Suddenly, I realized that all I had to do was express my desires, even if they seemed out of reach. Of course, wanting something doesn’t mean it will automatically happen—everyone has their own choices to make—but nothing will happen unless I speak up.
There’s power in watching people live without hesitation. I’ve seen individuals who express their wants boldly, unapologetically. They make their desires known, and more often than not, they get what they ask for. There is a fluidity and elegance in the way they move that I admire greatly. But what’s stopping me from doing the same? The answer is simple: my own hesitation.
I think that’s part of the key – it’s not even fear anymore. It’s just hesitancy, a reluctance to claim my own wants. But if I don’t think I deserve what I want, no one else will think I deserve it either. I end up manifesting my own worst fears, living in a self-fulfilling prophecy where my silence ensures that my desires remain unmet. That realization is hard. If I believe that no one will ever be willing to meet my needs, then that’s exactly what will happen—because I never give them the chance. I realized that’s where I keep tripping myself up—because I’ve been placing more value on my assumption of others’ opinions than on my own desires. I’ve been fabricating my own opposition.
So I’m learning. Learning to say what I want, even when it feels vulnerable, radical, uncomfortable, or even inappropriate. I’m learning that wanting is okay and that I deserve to want just as much as anyone else does.
As I reflect on this, I see that the concept of wanting is central to understanding who I am. It’s not just about identifying my needs, but also about embracing my desires without shame or fear. So this is my next step in self-discovery: learning to articulate what I want, unapologetically, and seeing where that takes me.
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Definition
At 2:49pm yesterday, the moon was New. The last time I was this close to the actual date was in May, but this theme hit me like a ton of metaphorical bricks over the weekend and needed to come out now.
In this last cycle, I focused on Mattering. I wanted to feel some inherent sense of relevance – not so much to other people but to myself. I wanted to find a space where I didn’t always feel like I needed to overextend.
This over-extension comes from a need to be all things to all people as flawlessly as possible. This brings with it a seemingly never-ending torrent of contingencies – over-anticipating every possible perceived need. Every need, of course, except my own.
This flurry of the chess board inside my head was presented to me on a screen this weekend when I watched “Inside Out 2.” Without really giving away the plot, the primary conflict in the movie was between Joy and Anxiety. Seeing this play out on a screen broke me. Those films are hard enough for me because I have always seen the personification of emotions and motivations in my own head. The clarity and succinctness of this was jarring.
When I related this to a most trusted soul, I was asked where my higher self was in those moments. I explained that in many ways my higher self had bailed out and was sitting in a bar in Sydney waiting for me to get it together. This is kind of true. There was a completeness in Sydney where there were no contingencies or expectations – I was free to walk the streets with no agenda at all – as myself, not a customized version of me created for someone else. I know that isn’t a sustainable way to live a life; we all have responsibilities and obligations, but I feel like I’m always missing the obligation to myself. It always feels like it’s a battle to justify and attain what feeds my soul. This, in turn, leaves me spiritually malnourished to Define my own path.
So the theme for this cycle is Definition. How do I Define myself to myself? What parameters exist that make me “me”? Put most simply, who am I? Or, which “me” am I? I seem to keep coming back to this question. I asked exactly the same thing in July of 2021 in a post on Identity. This feels different though somehow – more evolved maybe, or more urgent? I am increasingly aware of my components and motivations, it’s just how to integrate them into a more cohesive whole. To Define which me that I present is genuine, or Define which elements of all of the versions are common and come together to be my most authentic self.
Mattering
The Moon became new on Monday, September 2nd, at 9:56pm. Despite being the end of a relaxing Labor Day, I wasn’t yet in a place to commit to a focus for this month. Now, as we approach a full moon tomorrow night, I think I finally have my theme.
In a way, the uncertainty around this cycle’s focus makes sense. Last month I talked about Freedom, and how I wanted to leave behind the identities that I’d crafted or adopted and write my own story. When you basically give your spirit a blank sheet of paper, what do you choose to write?
I ran through several potential themes, each based on different facets of my life. Some fulfilling and inspiring, and some where resignation had replaced motivation. As I went for my daily walks over the past week, I began to see that I wasn’t digging deep enough. Again, not surprising, I’d unlocked the cage I’d been keeping myself in and was mindfully beginning to take steps toward defining the life that I want, as opposed to a life that was expected for me.
Choice has never been easy for me. The times are few and far between where something is important enough for me to stand up and declare a position. Of course, when I do declare, my position is adamant and irrefutable (the Taurus in me). I used to pride myself on what I thought was congeniality and flexibility, but in moving through the last few months of Resistance, Experience, and Freedom; and seeing how I kept standing in my own way – I wasn’t actually being flexible; I was perpetually in fear of making waves. I couldn’t be the one who was difficult; I couldn’t be the one who was wrong.
I’ve been reminded (gently) a few times that this actually makes me more difficult to relate to because I often don’t express a clear preference or direction. When I stop to consider this – when I am genuinely asked for what I want, and I consider that often the questions come from corners who have no vested interest in me – they just want to know – I am faced with the realization that my preferences and choices may actually Matter.
This is a hard thing to come down to – that for a long time, despite outward appearances, I haven’t felt like I Mattered. I existed, I was a resource, I was convenient, I was a distraction – but the concept of my essence actually Mattering was a rarity. To be clear, there are a few safe places where I know that I Matter and am valued, and in those spaces it can be easier to look past the self-conditioning – but in many places, I have felt expendable.
No one can change this except for me. I have to learn to trust that everyone in my life moves about their lives in their own state of personal authenticity and that I do actually make a difference, that I Matter. This differs from importance. I don’t need to be special; I just want to be relevant.
I think this relevance is another target of this cycle’s focus on Mattering. Sometimes I would feel so much like I wouldn’t Matter that I would overextend myself, trying to force some sense of relevance. This was not only unhealthy for me on a variety of levels, but it forced situations that were unhealthy for people around me.
So this cycle I want to focus on recognizing that I do indeed Matter – not to others, so much as to myself. This cycle’s song has a line that encourages me to be more mindful of not having to overextend:
“Some people never ever make a name, but change the game in someone’s story.”
…and isn’t making a positive difference in a life – be it ours or someone else’s – the highest calling toward Mattering?
Topics: New Moon | Comments Off on Mattering
