Nox Amicus

At 6:58am on Saturday morning, the Moon was New again. This may be one of the soonest times I’ve posted after a New Moon – but something occurred to me a few days ago that is creating a pretty deep dive.

The past couple of posts have been focused on community – both Fraternity and Support were outwardly focused. It was during the Crossroads post on November 14th that I had said, “I have the privilege of directing my energies outwards rather than just focusing on myself”. But this week, a long-standing bit of self-identification ran into an introspective moment of “but why”. I didn’t like the answer.

For as long as I can remember, the phrase “I’m sorry” has been reflexive. I guess I always knew why, but never bothered to really dig into it. It has gotten so prevalent that it’s even a nickname my sister has for me. One of the most profound moments that I can really remember saying I’m sorry” was in high school. I don’t remember the circumstance, but it was in the cafeteria and I was addressing a table of seniors when I was a sophomore.

I don’t know that I was apologizing for anything specifically though. I think it was one of those reflexive moments. But why? Yes – how many decades later am I stopping to ask that question?

A few nights ago, I was journaling and realized that I have two different circumstances when I say “I’m sorry“. The first is when it’s part of a conversation. Those times when I say that I’m sorry, it is accompanied by an explanation of the thing that I’m sorry for, and most often why I’m sorry for the incident. The other times, the reflexive times, are actually an emotional resignation. It is accompanied by my emotionally disengaging from the subject, and cocooning within myself. It is a flag of surrender. Something designed to stop the onslaught of trauma.

It is interesting that the word “sorry” has roots of West Germanic origin, from the base of the noun “sore”. Its synonyms in this case include ‘pained’ and ‘distressed’.

In September, I wrote about ‘Mattering’, and I said “…I haven’t felt like I Mattered. I existed, I was a resource, I was convenient, I was a distraction – but the concept of my essence actually Mattering was a rarity.” As I looked at the concept of emotional resignation and cocooning, this concept of not mattering became even more pronounced.

For years, I have tried to stay mindful of The Four Agreements (from the book of the same name by Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills). The first agreement is to “Be Impeccable with Your Word”.
My reflexive Apologies are self-diminishing by design, but am I diluting the sincerity of actual Apology through overuse?

In his book The Metaphysics of Morals, Immanuel Kant wrote “A man who has committed an injustice owes a debt to the one he has wronged; the repayment of this debt consists not in a material indemnification but in a sincere confession of his injustice, and in the resolve not to repeat it.” My reflexive use of “I’m sorry” is self-serving, and never offered in service of someone who’s been injured. It’s a way for me to escape a situation part of me perceives as dangerous. This flies in the face of the second of the Four Agreements which states “Don’t Take Things Personally”. It is not wrong to be mindful of my feelings and reactions, but it is not correct to lessen the value of a genuine Apology by using the same language as a selfish escape hatch.

So the focus for this cycle is Apology. My goal is to be mindful of when and why I am moved to say “I’m sorry”, and reserve it for moments of atonement or sympathy. When I find I am moved to use it by reflex, I want to have the presence of mind to stop and examine what in that moment has caused me to feel threatened. And if there is some kind of limbic response, do I need to react to it out loud? Or, to reference a quote attributed to Craig Ferguson – “Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said by me now?”

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At 7:45pm on February 27th, the Moon was New again. I am posting this closer to the Full Moon than the New Moon this cycle – but I am hopeful to be able to set an intention and draw down the energies needed to manifest it.

During this past cycle, my focus was on Fraternity. I juxtaposed my own feelings around needing to keep the peace and avoid conflict with a need to be fiercely protective and nurturing. How can you peacefully fight a war?

This is all brought about by the current climate that is seeing the implosion of a world I had grown up feeling was indestructible. We were always led to believe the existential threat would come from the outside, not the inside. But that presupposed honor and integrity – the erosion of which has been accelerating for over 40 years now.

These days I am reminded of my father, who, after the terrorist attacks on September 11th, said something akin to ‘this isn’t a world I want to live in anymore’. I want to stress that what I am about to say is not any kind of ideation – but I think I get where he was coming from. We come to understand that while there are hiccups and bumps in the road, there will always be progress, there will always be evolution of the human condition. Today, I am seeing tragic regression.

I am not okay.

Nevertheless – I am a cisgender white male of Western European descent, passable as “normal’ by all appearances. I am not seen as part of an at-risk population – whether that population is the LGBTQ+ community, people of color, people with chronic medical issues, or Federal workers. I need to be an ally. I need to stand up for my chosen family. If I don’t stand, then I am complicit in the persistent attacks on them.

But I am depleted.

Nevertheless – I need to stand. So the focus for this cycle is Support.

Support has to be mutual now. It can’t be carrying, it can’t be service – at least not all the time. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It also can’t be theoretical. In the last cycle I posited that we embrace the sense of community from the ground up and lead each moment and each interaction with compassion. Still very valid strategies – when we have the energy.

Shortly after the Moon was New, I felt the need to be Supportive in real time – and in my presence I saw Support in one of the simplest shelters, the lean-to. We lean into one another, receiving support while simultaneously giving it. There may not be much forward momentum, but there is survival.

I was discussing this with a trusted soul this past week, and they referred me to a 2008 scientific paper entitled “Social Support and the Perception of Geographical Slant” (available by searching the title, the article is currently available on the National Library of Medicine website). The abstract prefaces the heart of the work in this sentence: “Participants accompanied by a friend estimated a hill to be less steep when compared to participants who were alone.”

If we extend this, when seen through the lens of sympathetic or empathetic community, maybe our struggles are not as insurmountable as they appear in the dark of night.

The song for this cycle extends the concept of leaning into one another. I am buoyed by this line in particular:

But if we are wise

We know that there’s always tomorrow

May we sustain one another into our tomorrows!