Nox Amicus

Wanting—it’s a simple word, but for some of us, it’s more complicated than it seems. For a long time, I’ve struggled with expressing what I want. Growing up, there was this unspoken rule that I wasn’t allowed to want, that asking for things was troublesome. I absorbed the message that I was meant to stay in the background, never make waves, never speak out. But despite those internalized barriers, I’ve come to realize something fundamental: I want things. In fact, I want a lot of things.

Saying that out loud is still uncomfortable for me. I still wrestle with whether what I want is “appropriate,” or whether anyone else could want the same things. I catch myself thinking there’s something inherently wrong with my wanting. Maybe it’s tied to childhood trauma or the fear of being seen as too much. But here’s what I’m starting to understand: Wanting isn’t wrong. It’s human. And maybe there are other people out there who want a safe space to want the same things I do.

Recently, I had a moment of clarity when someone said to me, “You can have that anytime you want it. You just have to say so.” They weren’t asking the generic “What do you want?” but instead made it specific. Suddenly, I realized that all I had to do was express my desires, even if they seemed out of reach. Of course, wanting something doesn’t mean it will automatically happen—everyone has their own choices to make—but nothing will happen unless I speak up.

There’s power in watching people live without hesitation. I’ve seen individuals who express their wants boldly, unapologetically. They make their desires known, and more often than not, they get what they ask for. There is a fluidity and elegance in the way they move that I admire greatly. But what’s stopping me from doing the same? The answer is simple: my own hesitation.

I think that’s part of the key – it’s not even fear anymore. It’s just hesitancy, a reluctance to claim my own wants. But if I don’t think I deserve what I want, no one else will think I deserve it either. I end up manifesting my own worst fears, living in a self-fulfilling prophecy where my silence ensures that my desires remain unmet. That realization is hard. If I believe that no one will ever be willing to meet my needs, then that’s exactly what will happen—because I never give them the chance. I realized that’s where I keep tripping myself up—because I’ve been placing more value on my assumption of others’ opinions than on my own desires. I’ve been fabricating my own opposition.

So I’m learning. Learning to say what I want, even when it feels vulnerable, radical, uncomfortable, or even inappropriate. I’m learning that wanting is okay and that I deserve to want just as much as anyone else does.

As I reflect on this, I see that the concept of wanting is central to understanding who I am. It’s not just about identifying my needs, but also about embracing my desires without shame or fear. So this is my next step in self-discovery: learning to articulate what I want, unapologetically, and seeing where that takes me.

At 2:49pm yesterday, the moon was New. The last time I was this close to the actual date was in May, but this theme hit me like a ton of metaphorical bricks over the weekend and needed to come out now.

In this last cycle, I focused on Mattering. I wanted to feel some inherent sense of relevance – not so much to other people but to myself. I wanted to find a space where I didn’t always feel like I needed to overextend.

This over-extension comes from a need to be all things to all people as flawlessly as possible. This brings with it a seemingly never-ending torrent of contingencies – over-anticipating every possible perceived need. Every need, of course, except my own.

This flurry of the chess board inside my head was presented to me on a screen this weekend when I watched “Inside Out 2.” Without really giving away the plot, the primary conflict in the movie was between Joy and Anxiety. Seeing this play out on a screen broke me. Those films are hard enough for me because I have always seen the personification of emotions and motivations in my own head. The clarity and succinctness of this was jarring.

When I related this to a most trusted soul, I was asked where my higher self was in those moments. I explained that in many ways my higher self had bailed out and was sitting in a bar in Sydney waiting for me to get it together. This is kind of true. There was a completeness in Sydney where there were no contingencies or expectations – I was free to walk the streets with no agenda at all – as myself, not a customized version of me created for someone else. I know that isn’t a sustainable way to live a life; we all have responsibilities and obligations, but I feel like I’m always missing the obligation to myself. It always feels like it’s a battle to justify and attain what feeds my soul. This, in turn, leaves me spiritually malnourished to Define my own path.

So the theme for this cycle is Definition. How do I Define myself to myself? What parameters exist that make me “me”? Put most simply, who am I? Or, which “me” am I? I seem to keep coming back to this question. I asked exactly the same thing in July of 2021 in a post on Identity. This feels different though somehow – more evolved maybe, or more urgent? I am increasingly aware of my components and motivations, it’s just how to integrate them into a more cohesive whole. To Define which me that I present is genuine, or Define which elements of all of the versions are common and come together to be my most authentic self.