Nox Amicus

Tonight at 10:26pm the Moon became New again, signaling the time to explore another theme.

Last cycle I said I was going to be looking at themes of Solace – particularly revolving around Solace in solitude. I am blessed and privileged to be able to ride out this pandemic in a safe environment. I am blessed that my career continues to move forward without putting me in the path of any physical harm. I am grateful beyond words that when a 10% pay cut was announced this month that it was manageable – and yes, infinitely preferable to a more drastic alternative. Solace in a physical sense, was not hard for me to find and cultivate, and I give thanks.

Spiritually has been another story entirely. Dreams have been a cascading series of troubling non sequiturs. I find that I am easily irritable and don’t have the emotional stamina that I’m used to from myself.

Through conversations with trusted souls I began to see that I was still holding on to a sense of “normal”. I’ve worked from home for nearly four years, I’m naturally an introvert, and my day-to-day really hasn’t changed all that much. But we are all subject to eddies and currents beyond what we can perceive with our conventional senses. Even absent that, we are all subject to the unknowns that lay out ahead of us.

My mind goes back to the scene from “This is Spinal Tap” when Nigel is explaining the amplifiers that go to eleven. We all have settings that we operate under – calm, anxious, happy, irritated – we usually find ourselves dialed into these settings. But can it also be possible to choose where we set our frames of mind? Can we turn the dial ourselves?

Which brings us to this cycle’s focus. Chaos. Why can’t there be a setting on our panels where “Chaos” is the new “normal”. Having a set of prescribed actions for a “Chaos” setting would, by its very existence, provide us control in uncontrollable times. We would no longer expect to know what’s next because the status quo would be not knowing. In this way I feel like perhaps I can leverage my generalized anxiety and OCD and use them as tools to contend with the unpredictable emotional swings of the day-to-day. I’d no longer feel like I have to be in control, because today’s normal is such that there is no control.

So how does this work in a practical sense? I firmly believe that magic exists at the intersection of intent and Chaos. So for this lunar cycle, I’m going to try to explore the act of letting go of rigidity and just sail on the seas of Chaos – guided by the rudder of my intent.

Normally I end these with a song – but I want to share a video that might illustrate the finding of joy in this approach. It’s a video of a woman spinning cotton candy – the strands spin in Chaos, but the stick is her tool of intention. The result? Joy.

It’s all in how you look at it.

Well – this is different, right?

This past Tuesday morning at 5:28am the moon was new again, so I knew it was time to write another of these – but then I thought ‘nothing is normal’, and is it just going to be irritating to publish this now? Then I decided to not take that decision away from anyone – I wanted to see what words came out and if someone else needs a different kind of distraction they can stop reading now.

The theme for the past lunar cycle was one of Resonance, and when I think about it I can see examples of resonant effect in many places. The way that the harmonics of this virus and response have hit a crescendo and reverberated through every area of our lives is indeed resonant – but certainly not in the way I would have imagined. There’s anxiety, fear, loneliness, and uncertainty. I went through my challenges and know there will be more to come before this is over. This is a long game. It’s not unlike the ADSR envelope in music, where ASDR stands for Attack, Decay, Sustain, and Release. We’re still in the Attack stage – but hopefully soon we’ll be on the other side and be able to see “the curve” Decay – before Sustaining for a short period and finally Releasing. Then, hopefully, there will be quiet from the anxiety, and brighter days.

So what about this cycle? I thought about our collective isolation and about our solitude; I thought about the warmth of the sun and how the proper name for our sun is Sol. So what about Solace?

Exclusive of our current planetary emergency – Solace would, and has, come from the resolution of Resonance, so Solace fits as a step on my path. There are numerous references online to “solace in solitude”, and while I would normally gravitate toward that, I like my solitude more when it’s my own idea and desire. I’m an admitted agoraphobe, so staying home is my preferred state – but even I am missing being out with other humans these days.

So how do we find solace in these times? For me, it’s been a result of the past months of Curation – of keeping only those things in my life which sustain me, and by focusing on where my life is most Resonant. I’m trying to stay in touch with a myriad of people through a variety of methods, working on oft-delayed creative projects, and keeping as close to a normal schedule as I can. For me, there is Solace in consistency – so where some of that has been robbed, I reinforce it in other places.

For those of us who may be blessed enough to not have this virus hit too close to home yet, there is an opportunity to sit with ourselves – to listen to the intuitions that drive us and see where we might have opportunity for change. I’m not saying this is the Universe saying “go to your room and think about what you’ve done” – but deep self-reflection doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

May you find Solace in these times in whatever way serves your soul best!!

Now that I’ve got most of my faculties back, I feel like I can finally write this month’s New Moon post. The moon was new at 10:32am this past Sunday morning – while I was enjoying a brunch cocktail with a friend and former work colleague who was visiting from Denver. It was good to see him, and a good reminder that there are professional relationships that transcend the profession. Souls meet, they react, then they sustain or they fade. I’m grateful for all the souls who touch mine – regardless of whether they linger for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

The focus last month was on Curation, and in the post I justified my concept of Curation by saying that “there are times when we welcome the energies that resonate with our own, but there are also times when we need to let energies wane that no longer have a place.” I think I’d done well in the last cycle of creating the appropriate distance from elements that are not healthy for me. There is still work to be done – and I need to be cautious not to make the firewall too strong – but I think we are finally on the other side of self-sacrifice for someone else’s good. That doesn’t mean abandoning responsibilities or being selfish – but it does mean weighing the merits of participation and determining if they warrant the personal cost.

When looking for “how” to do that I went back to my very justification for Curation and found my focus for this month. Resonance. For these purposes, I’ll take a definition from Wikipedia, which reads, “In physics, resonance describes the phenomena of amplification that occurs when the frequency of a periodically applied force is in harmonic proportion to a natural frequency of the system on which it acts.”

There are moments in our lives of which we are certain. The frequency of those moments act in harmonic proportion with the natural frequency of our intent and reverberate in our souls. The same can be said for the souls that we meet. We connect with someone and feel an instant kinship. We must be aware of course that just because “we” feel that, doesn’t mean they do. Just because their “periodically applied force” on us causes reverberation does not mean that the inverse is also true. But when we get what I’ll call reciprocal resonance – factors of both create self-sustaining harmonies, then that’s something to hold on to.

To me, this is like singing with the band. I used to just sing and hold on for dear life to my part. But lately, when I sing and another voice is in harmony with mine, I find myself floating and adapting to their nuance, and feeling them do the same – and we create a thing that is independent from each of us – but that we each become part of.

So this month I will look for where there is deep resonance in my life, and try to find ways to better appreciate and cultivate it. I will also look for places where I may have been too eager to declare resonance and continue to curate those.

It took some time to settle on a song this month – but this version of “Monday, Monday” by The Mamas & The Papas fits well. It’s a live version from 1967’s Monterey Pop Festival, so it’s not studio-perfect. You can hear them working to find what resonates – they know it’s there, but sometimes it takes a little finesse to find just the right blend – but once the frequencies are in place, they weave and adapt with harmonic gentleness and compassion. Something I want to continue to try to do.

At 4:42pm this afternoon we have another New Moon – and another chance to pick a facet and devote some intent attention to it.

This past lunar cycle I focused on Balance – and through it, I wrote that “finding Balance in the dark will involve a lot of acceptance. I can’t fix everything, I can’t keep everyone happy all the time, I can’t do everything right.” I came to understand in these past days and weeks that making those kinds of choices does come with a cost, but part of the process is weighing cost versus benefit – again, another example of balance. Overall, I think I’ve been doing well – and despite some disappointments, I do feel healthier.

So now as we enter the Year of the Rat, I’m going to take Balance to the next level and move to Curation. This act of Curation is much like the cycles of the moon herself – there are times when we welcome the energies that resonate with our own, but there are also times when we need to let energies wane that no longer have a place. These energies can be personal, professional, musical, or spiritual. In many ways, the process of welcoming and releasing has already begun as part of the cycle of Balance, but now I am turning my awareness and intention to it.

There’s no song this month – but in honor of a work friend, I’m going to include an image they sent me today – further evidence that resonance can be found in unexpected places, we just need to remain open to it. 

At 12:13am (EST) on December 26th the moon is new again, so in the glow of all of the seasonal holidays of rebirth and renewed light (Yule, Hanukah, Christmas), it’s time for another moment of reflection.

This past cycle the focus was one of Reconciliation. When I wrote last month and announced the theme, I’d said “Reconciliation – in this context. Not actually ‘rejoining’ but more ethereal than that. A state where things fall into balance, where you realize that while the road not taken would have been awesome, and the road you chose had more than its share of bumps, you ended up exactly where you were supposed to be.” The manifestation of that this month was similar to how the band has begun to load equipment into venues – we pull everything from the cars and stack it by the front door – staged for the final step of loading everything in. The month’s reconciliation felt like moving things into place – closer than where they’d been, but still not quite where they needed to go. Like seeing the fulcrum and seeing the lever – but not quite putting the system together.

On Yule I took part in a guided meditation where I was given the theme for this cycle – Balance. Balance is taking the gear inside. Balance is putting the lever on the fulcrum. Balance is putting the system in motion. I was led to a point of view that I was straining too much for the light. With respect, that’s a choice. There is abundant darkness in the world and I take great care to not make it any dimmer. But – I have to acknowledge the duality in myself, and I have to go back to my shadow work that dictates that there is value in the shadows. That striving for light is fine – but don’t ignore the fact that there’s darkness. Don’t try so hard to make everything perfect that you end up doing more damage than if you’d just let things be. For me, finding Balance in the dark will involve a lot of acceptance. I can’t fix everything, I can’t keep everyone happy all the time, I can’t do everything right. This goes against some core programming – but it’s past time for an upgrade.

A few years ago a spiritual sister kept trying to tell me “more feeling, less thinking”. While I’ve gotten better, I still get caught in my own vapor lock. I think the path toward balance weaves through this labyrinth created between the heart and mind.

“But at night when all the world’s asleep
the questions run too deep for such a simple man”

(c) 1979 Roger Hodgson

May we all find answers to our questions, and find our light from our darkness.

First things first – yesterday was a new moon, so it’s time to examine the last cycle and see what the new one might hold. The last cycle I decided to focus on perspective. There were a lot of things swirling and pending, that could be seen as positive or not-so-positive, depending on the light in which you viewed them. Even the not-positive and hard times are there to teach up lessons – so knowing that I was being mindful of perspective really helped to navigate some tough situations. Keeping not only my needs but those of the people I interact with in mind, really helped me to see if I was showing up as the person I wanted to be.

Two weeks ago I got a text message from a close friend who sold me my last car. It’s tough to believe it’s been three years since the concussion!! But the message was that my lease was going to expire in a few months and it was time to think about what to do next. As it turned out, the car I wanted was both available and at a price-point I could afford to lease. So yesterday, on the new moon, everything came to fruition and I traded a 2017 Tuscon for a 2020 (pictures below). There were a lot of other moving parts that came together to make all of it happen, and I give thanks for each and every blessing along the way.

So driving home last night held a lot of emotions. Getting to spend time with a friend I don’t get to see nearly enough anymore. Feeling blessed and grateful that the decisions I’ve been making have helped me get to a place I never imagined I’d be. Remembering my dad and wondering what he’d think of all of it.

Normally I find a song that reflects the emotions of these posts, but this time it happened in reverse. As I was driving I chose to listen to “Souvenirs” by Dan Fogelberg, and the second verse struck me:

And here is the key to a house far away
where I used to live as a child
They tore down the building when I moved away
And left the key unreconciled

(c) Dan Fogelberg

Reconciliation – in this context. Not actually ‘rejoining’ but more ethereal than that. A state where things fall into balance, where you realize that while the road not taken would have been awesome, and the road you chose had more than its share of bumps, you ended up exactly where you were supposed to be. Despite all of the changes in my life, and undoubtedly changes to come, I feel reconciled and in balance, and where I am to be in this moment. The future is unwritten, be here now. And I will stay ever grateful for all the souls that help to light my path!!!

On Saturday afternoon the moon was new again; time to take stock of where I’ve been and what might be next.

The last cycle was about Presence. Through it, I tried to focus more on being in moments instead of fearing them or reacting to them without intention. I wasn’t all that great with it, to be honest. The band had a gig a couple weeks ago and I just couldn’t hold the moments – I was thrown off way too easily. Work has also been a stressor. There is continuing and abundant pressure (beyond the mere workload) – however well-intentioned – that is definitely triggering. I had a one-on-one call with my supervisor’s supervisor on Thursday and felt like, while close to the moment, I may have been a little too high strung. In many areas of my life, I feel like I’m playing defense. Sometimes for cause, and sometimes because of the fear that yielding anything will cause a loss of self.

So this cycle’s theme will be Voice. If I don’t use and believe in my own voice then how can I ever expect anyone else to? I have to speak without fear of consequence – so long as what I speak is true in my own heart. This is true in work where I am finishing a document today that could lay the groundwork for everything I do for the next two years. I am beginning a new creative project tomorrow where I will accept myself as a subject matter expert and produce YouTube videos, I will also work to meet my friends and the band with a fuller and more assured voice.

I’ve been biting my tongue in my sleep again – I can’t help but think that the metaphor is actually real. Let’s stop that now.

No song this month – instead, I realized that my vocal isolation booth (closet) had turned into emergency storage, meaning I couldn’t record even if I did have something to say. That’s changed now. The lyric page might be empty, but that just means the possibilities are limitless.

Another new moon greeted us on Friday morning so it’s time to see where I’ve been and where I’m headed.

The theme for the last cycle was “Elevation”. A lot of things in August were calling me to step up my game both personally and professionally. A major presentation for work could have long term ramifications on my current position, and I’m grateful that I was able to live up to my own expectations on that one. The company is going to do what they’re going to do – but to borrow a baseball analogy, I’d rather go down swinging than watch a pitch fly by. I definitely put the ball in play, so we’ll see how the fielders do.

I realized I needed to think a little bit bigger personally too. I needed to break out of my comfort zone – or really, define a new one, and reach beyond myself more. For the most part, this was successful. Basically, don’t be so quick with being self-protective, allow the option of “yes” as opposed to defending with “no”.

This month though, it’s time to pull back a little bit, so the theme this cycle is “Presence”. There were a lot of big moments in August – all summer, really – but I feel like I spent more time ‘managing’ them rather than fully ‘living’ in them. I notice this with the band a lot – I’m so hyper-vigilant about everything – my playing, the sound system, the state of the audience – that I don’t spend enough time living in the moments that I savor so much. So what does it take to be more present? What does it take to hold the space – not just for people I care for – but for myself as well? How can I be more in concert with everything, rather than just being subject to its whims?

This weekend is a good start for that – just quiet stillness for a couple days before life, work, and the band begin again. It’s been nice to catch my breath and have the opportunity to see some of the places I could have been better in the past month – and to try to strike the balance between staying grounded and moving forward.

Last night at 11:12pm the moon was new, and 46 minutes later Mercury went direct from retrograde. The whole Mercury Retrograde thing resonates with some people – the idea of communications being wonky and holding off on bigger choices until it goes direct again. I wasn’t really paying attention to it this time around, but as I sit to write this month’s intention, it seems relevant.

The last lunar cycle was about “Resolve”. For me, this was a concerted effort to be less obliged to assumed responsibility, and lacking an expressed “need” from elsewhere, giving credence and validity to my “wants”. I feel like I did this in spirit even when I didn’t have an opportunity to do it in practice. There were very few times I did or said something because I felt I was “supposed to” and many times when I expressed what was in my heart even though that might not have been what the audience wanted to hear.

Still – I’ve felt mired in something since I got back from Australia. The best word is ennui – just a listlessness and dissatisfaction. Some of that is due to the lingering issues with my knee, some of it is a result of clouds on the professional landscape, and some of it is just wondering where the next hill is.

When I was standing on the cliffs near Watson’s Bay, I had an opportunity to think about who I am – quiet, alone, and uninfluenced I felt like I was the one in the village who went out on his own and looked over the hill to see what there was to be seen. I wasn’t harvesting resources or building new villages – I was the one that said: “hey, that looks cool”.

I went for a quiet drive tonight and thought about this cycle’s intention – and decided on “Elevation”. I’m very much stuck in the weeds, feeling like I’m slicing through a savannah with a dull machete. There are hills to be found and scaled, and above the clouds there is clear sky. For those who are familiar with the Qabalistic Tree of Life – I need to focus less on Malkuth and set my sights back on Yesod.

Or as Michael Nesmith wrote in 1971 – “I lost the light, now I’m moving through the night, running from the Grand Ennui.”

Thanks, Nez.

This past Tuesday afternoon the lunar cycle was new again, so it’s time for another of these posts. I’d like to thank everyone who tunes in every month for these. They’re just mileposts on my journey, but posting them here helps me feel accountable – so thank you for your witness.

Last month was about clarity, the need for it and the search for it. The trip to Australia was exactly what no doctor ordered, but exactly what I needed in the way it unfolded. It was physical endurance, it was the exploration of other cultures, it was immersion in the creative arts, and it was an exercise in self-reliance and self-expression.

So what’s this month about? The word is “resolve”. It’s a complicated word, whether used as a noun or a verb. In many ways, the journey through clarity helped me resolve some lingering questions and self-doubts, and that kind of resolution can only carry-over and make us stronger – providing us with resolve.

That’s where I find myself today. I have had a tendency my whole life to make compromises I didn’t really need to make. My own issues from childhood led me to be the one who had to make sure everyone else was okay. No one asked me to be that, but it fell to me. My sister used to call me Switzerland because I was always the one not taking sides and hosting the peace talks. In doing that, my resources were always expended outside of myself.

I’m going to start to back away from that. It’s not my job to make sure “everyone” and “everything” is okay. I resign. I will fight injustice, I will support my friends and family as best I can, and I will battle for what I am passionate about – but I’m now in the business of rationing my energies. I can’t be all things to all people anymore.

That’s going to mean changes. It’s also going to be rocky as I make that adjustment because I know I am going to alienate people. But 53 years is long enough to worry about making someone upset.

What does it look like? A lot more time of me doing things that feed my soul and less time fulfilling self-imposed obligations that don’t make my life a better place. Personally, spiritually, musically, professionally – everything needs to be examined for its cost versus its benefit.

There are still going to be compromises, and there are still going to be some times when I will do things because someone else’s need outweighs my own. But the important thing now is that I will also guarantee myself a seat at this table.

Micky sang a song during sound-check that spoke to this shift. It was “As We Go Along” by Carole King & Toni Stern, and the chorus begins:

Open your eyes, get up off your chair
There’s so much to do in the sunlight

Let the sun shine!!