Nox Amicus

At 11:32pm on May 7th, the Moon was New. Yes, I realize that was just a few minutes ago – I am actually on time with this one!!

During the last cycle, the focus was on Awakening. At the end of that writing I had said that it was time to “put my feet on the ground, make some coffee, and see what this new dawn might bring.” I realized at the time that the intention was a bit vague; I had set to define it as a very liminal space, knowing that the real work would kick in once the coffee was brewed.

It is said that the Waning Gibbous phase of the Moon is a time for self-reflection and rebirth, and this held very true for me. During the phase, a most trusted soul recommended the book “Pathways to Bliss: Mythology and Personal Transformation” by Joseph Campbell. I started listening to the Audible version of the book as I was driving to reconnect with a spiritual sister over dinner. Listening to the book, I began to see that the absence of Wonder, the loss of Direction, and the need for Awakening, were all the result of being energetically “blocked.” There is no way for me to do justice to the concepts by paraphrasing, so I will quote the book here. 

We “can become so involved in concepts and local, temporal tasks that we become bound up and don’t let this energy flow through.” 

“So the psychological problem, the way to keep from becoming blocked, is to make yourself—and here is the phrase—transparent to the transcendent.”

“What myth does for you is to point beyond the phenomenal field toward the transcendent. A mythic figure is like the compass that you used to draw circles and arcs in school, with one leg in the field of time and the other in the eternal. The image of a god may look like a human or animal form, but its reference is transcendent of that.”

Campbell, Joseph (2018-11-12T22:58:59.000). Pathways to Bliss: Mythology and Personal Transformation (The Collected Works of Joseph Campbell). Joseph Campbell Foundation. Kindle Edition. 

It was at this moment that I realized that I had been absent from my spiritual path for longer than I remembered. I had grown so enmeshed in the local and temporal that I lost track of the need to reach beyond the bounds of my ‘self’. Sure, I had done cursory check-ins with my deities, but never dove deeply into those conversations. So, during that drive to dinner, I put the audiobook on pause and started a conversation.

During this conversation, the question was posed to me: “What do you want? How can I help you?”. And I did not have an answer. My conscious mind could not mine my subconscious for what my heart actually desired. Then I realized that I was being so guarded that I had closed myself off to my higher self as well.

I discussed this with my spiritual sister over a dinner that could not have been better timed for me, and I felt the pathways begin to open. Later that weekend, I participated in a spiritual gathering where, while I was not the focus, I heard the universe’s questions with a familiar clarity.

This brings us to the focus for this cycle, where I will work to bridge the gap between my physical self and my higher self. In many ways, I feel like this is breaking a spiritual fast – so the theme is Breakfast. I Awakened during the last cycle, made the coffee, so now it’s time for Breakfast. I want to try to spend more time in meditation, and focus on hearing the voices of my own spirit, rather than having them drowned out by the cacophony of “life”. I am hopeful that a result of this process will hold the answer to “what do you want?”

The song for this cycle is unexpected but perfectly fitting – it is “Call and Answer” from the Barenaked Ladies. I have always loved this song, and until the last few weeks I thought that it was about a relationship between two people. As I started making Breakfast, I began to hear it as a song that could be sung by my higher self to my temporal self. There is love, care-taking, and a beautifully encouraging directness – to rebuild.

The New moon coincided with the time of the total solar eclipse: 2:21pm on April 8th. I’m happy to be posting this inside the Waxing Crescent phase. It’s nice to be back on schedule.

The focus for the last cycle was Direction; where I wondered if I could ascertain what my true path was – not just what was available or allowed, but what was actually desired.

In digging into that, I began to realize that I have been avoiding myself for years. Sure, I’m living my life and pursuing some of my intentions, but so much has been – as the song says, Goin’ Thru the Motions. It’s not that I haven’t felt alive, but I don’t know how Awake I have truly been since before the pandemic began.

Over the past month or two, I’ve been Awakened quite regularly by what can best be described as nightmares. They were mostly just snippets – but as their details faded, I was left with the impression that they had all been a collection of related scenes. Like when a TV show has recaps at the top of the episode “Previously, in Life…”

But now it’s time for a new season to debut. The Earth is coming into flower, and just as we saw the Moon allowing the Sun to emerge from its rest, I feel like it’s time for me to emerge from mine – so the theme for this cycle is Awakening. Two cycles ago I talked about how I felt I needed to rediscover a sense of Wonder, and last month that sharpened into a need for direction. Now, it’s time to Awaken – put my feet on the ground, make some coffee, and see what this new dawn might bring.

I don’t know what the story arc will look like for this season, or even what the themes of the episodes might be. But I know that there’s a solid backstory and nearly limitless possibilities for the future. It’s time to see what’s over the next hill.

On March 10th, at 5am the moon was new. It had just been five days earlier that I had posted my last focus of Wonder. This morning at 3am the Moon was new – so at least I am getting a little closer to marking the New Moon on time.

In the last post, I commented on how I had been focused too much on the stressors in my life and how that was getting in the way of my living in each moment, and living in a sense of wonder. I am happy to say that I have been able to incorporate that theme along with the one I had chosen for this cycle. Last week I was faced with several unexpected dilemmas – but instead of letting the gremlins convince me that the sky was falling, I simply accepted the circumstances, made a plan, and resolved them. 

This ability to live in Wonder, and simply set a Direction, reinforced my choice for this cycle. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the mundane nature of the day-to-day that we lose track of our necessary momentum. 

This reminds me of Matt Smith’s regeneration speech from Doctor Who:

We all change when you think about it. We’re all different all through our lives. And that’s okay, that’s good. You’ve got to keep moving. As long as you remember all the people that you used to be.

British Broadcasting Corporation. Doctor Who. British Broadcasting Corporation, 25 Dec. 2013, episode 241 – “The Time of the Doctor.”

These posts have always been a chronicle of change and (hopefully) evolution. What’s often been missing in my life, though, has been a personal sense of Direction. So often someone will ask me what I want – and I have said this before – I never can find “want” because I am so conditioned to pick from what I perceive are my available alternatives. I rarely allow myself to think outside the box and just ‘want’. I don’t choose my own Direction; I pick from available options. My recent professional dissatisfaction is a result of this paradigm.

Something is different this year though. I came into this year feeling a sense of urgency. During this past cycle, I attended a memorial service, participated in several spiritual separations, marked the anniversary of the passing of a sweet soul, and lost a former bandmate. Time is too short.

So this cycle I am being more mindful of Direction. What is MY path? Not just what is available or allowed, but what is actually desired?

One of the things that bothered me about my mother was her inability to express a preference until a decision had already been made. Life was a guessing game of what would work for her. I don’t ever want to subject anyone who might care for me to that. I might not be able to ‘want’, but I can start by expressing preferences.

Each Direction begins with a preferred step.

I heard this cycle’s song recently and identified strongly with it. With the tumultuous nature of the past few months and the growing unrest around us – it’s important to find a beacon – a lighthouse – to guide our Direction home.

Give me the beat, boys.

Wow – this one is late. On February 9th at 5:59pm the moon was New. I believe this is the first time I have written one of these during the waning crescent phase.

The focus for the last cycle was Understanding – where I had attempted to Understand myself better and apply a similar effort toward Understanding people around me. The focus also incorporated a level of acceptance along with that Understanding; acknowledging that the way my brain and personality work are not always aligned with my perception of ‘normal’. Part of the Understanding became the realization that this dichotomy exists only within myself. I establish the parameters of normalcy, but then I violate those parameters? Why isn’t my behavior my own normal?

The seeds for this cycle’s focus were planted with the last New Moon — actually, at the hour of the New Moon, if I am not mistaken — and the chosen theme was going to be Wonder. I was guided toward the realization that I was not approaching my life with a sense of Wonder – and I was going to dedicate the cycle to recapturing that.

As with all things Magickal though, it is very important to be specific about your intentions.

My goal had been to explore why I wasn’t living more in a spirit of Wonder and amazement at the beauty that life can offer. I had felt like I had become too mired in the mundane and was taking some of the joy that surrounded me for granted. Shortly thereafter though, different flavors of Wonder were revealed.

It has been a very, very stressful cycle — brought by stresses that were fundamental to moving fluidly through this particular world. Instead of reveling in the Wonder of amazement, I began to Wonder what I had done wrong, or Wonder what I wasn’t seeing, or even Wonder if there were nefarious forces working outside my sphere of control.

This self-blame morphed quickly into self-loathing — which surprised me — I thought I was well beyond that. But I guess it just shows that once something is in your nature, it can lay dormant but isn’t always gone. It was in watching myself move through these emotions, confronted with my stressors, that I realized that acting from a place of emotion — anger, frustration, or sadness — was only perpetuating circumstance. It was through stopping, taking stock, and acting from a spirit of determination and working toward specific goals that I was able to find clear sky again.

All of this brings me full-circle back to the focus. We can retrospectively Wonder “what-if” all we want, and there can be valuable lessons learned from deconstructing past events, but perseverating over them can only do more harm than good. Perseverating over ANYTHING often does more harm than good. Instead, when I was able to accept and rejoin the sentiment that the Universe is beautifully complex and blended with an abundance of both light and dark, I was able to see that the stress I was encountering would be fleeting, and that there were new possibilities to be borne from it.

So the theme has been Wonder. Wonder that is visible once we step beyond whatever clouds our vision or dulls our senses. The Wonder borne of the simple yet profound question, “What could happen next?”

The song for this cycle is tangentially related. As I was moving through the month, I knew I needed to break the cycle, to stop the merry-go-round, and to find a different field of vision. I have always loved this song, and it speaks to all of those things. Let go of the stress, let go of the expectations — live in this moment. Live in Wonder.

At 6:57am on Thursday, January 11th, the Moon was New. So as I write this, we’re a little more than halfway toward fullness. That actually feels like an allegory for my overall sense of being right now – halfway toward fullness.

The focus for the last lunar cycle was one of Realization. In that post, I said that I was looking for moments where there is stillness and appreciation for the wonders this life can bring, and moments where the soul can find a safe place to breathe.

In January of 2017 – so, 7 years ago now – I started these monthly New Moon intentions with one about self-acceptance. In that post, I wrote, “This past Friday’s New Moon brought a vow to focus on the work of self-acceptance – both personally and professionally. This follows the teachings of Sun Tzu, who said, “So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be put at risk even in a hundred battles.” It must begin with self-acceptance.”

The past year, and the past four months specifically, have brought a rush of changes. Personally, professionally, and spiritually. Changes that sprang from both within and without. The pause of Realization during the last cycle was a breath to Realize that we’re not in Kansas anymore. The pathways toward self-care that I thought I had in place were no longer suitable for the life I found myself living. This call to Realization, and echoing the self-acceptance of years ago, was further underscored by a change in job title and responsibilities. While this is certainly “a promotion”, I feel like it’s taking me further away from where my soul can be happiest.

This tumult all brings me to the focus for this cycle – Understanding. About ten years ago, I was having a lighthearted conversation with a most trusted soul where I said, “I don’t know if I’m eclectic or if I just have eclectic friends.” It was also around that time that I had my first business trip to Denver, and riding in a hotel elevator, I looked in the mirror and saw someone I never wanted to be.

Now I have a job that pushes me deeper into a mold that I simply don’t want to fit into. Do I have the skills and aptitude? Sure. Does it pay well? Not as well as it should, but I have no space to really complain. Will I suck it up for a while, excel, and reap the rewards? Yes – I’m not dumb.

But I do have a broader Understanding now. The band has been on hiatus since New Year’s, and I am very much looking forward to our next rehearsal. I needed this break to come back refreshed and energized – and I am that. Life doesn’t always afford us the opportunity to step away and re-group. Also, that strategy isn’t for everyone. But for me – time away helps me refocus and appreciate what I was missing. The artistic and creative spark is crucial to my well-being. Being drawn deeper into corporate information technology is being drawn away from the creativity that sustains me.

I am Understanding myself better – and, coming full circle to seven years ago, I accept myself more because of it. I am not “Normal” – I never have been. I am wonderfully eclectic. I don’t make sense to most of the people who care about me. And that’s okay too. 

As I move through the remainder of this cycle, I want to do a better job of working to appreciate and Understanding myself – and use similar lenses to work to Understand the people around me too. It’s through the clarity brought by Understanding that I think we can find strength, trust, hope, and harmony.

At 6:32pm on Tuesday, December 12th, the moon was New again. We were almost half a cycle in when I posted for last month, and the Moon was just full again this past Tuesday – so while these posts are evenly spaced, I am not posting close enough to the New Moon for my own liking. I will add that to my list of New Year intentions.

Last cycle, I focused on Compassion. While the path toward the focus was dedicated to finding Compassion in our hearts for others, I closed the post by reflecting on needing to find Compassion for ourselves too. In closing, I said that “We should strive to be who we want to be, not who other people have come to expect, and acknowledge that we are as deserving of Compassion as those we would seek to be Compassionate toward.”

I have lived most of my life being who other people needed or expected me to be. I was Switzerland; I was the peacekeeper; I relegated myself to the background to try to be unobtrusive, stepping into the spotlight when called upon to entertain or distract.

When I was very young, sometimes we would have company come over to the house – and at night, when everyone was leaving, I was called to come to the top of the stairs to sing Moon River as a closing theme for the evening. Called upon to entertain or distract. This is one of the reasons I need to continue to schedule alone time – no matter how well-intentioned anyone might be, the fight or flight of the perception of “being called upon to entertain or distract” is exhausting. Only when I’m alone are the voices of expectation stilled.

This doing and being in an effort to fit in and survive in a world where I never really felt at peace has persisted throughout my life. It’s only been in the past four years that I’ve been finding Compassion for myself and edging closer to living life on my own terms. I’ve gotten better at forging off on my own or shutting down. I’m still working on how to best integrate self-care with being social in a healthy way.

Seeing these things about myself – acknowledging and working with them – brings me to this cycle’s theme: Realization. We walk through our lives sometimes as if they’re scripted – we’re supposed to think This, and we’re supposed to do That – but what if those scripted roles are not who we are? What if we’re tired and don’t want to sing Moon River as the company leaves?

Twenty-five years ago, I wrote this cycle’s song while watching work colleagues grind away at unpaid overtime and forsaking the joys in their lives in the quest to meet an arbitrary deadline. The song calls us to Realize what really matters – where our joy truly stems from – and how to capture those moments.

So this cycle – in the midst of the holidays, travel, de facto social time, and obligations – I want to find those moments of Realization. Moments where there is stillness and appreciation for the wonders this life can bring. Moments where the soul can find a safe place to breathe.

At 4:27am on November 13th the Moon was New. It’s been over half a cycle now – but that’s okay. It’s been a busy autumn – particularly the past six weeks – but there have also been beacons shining amidst the craziness.

During the last cycle I was focused on the concept of Consideration. In the closing paragraph of that post I said that “I want to try to do my best to be mindful of those around me – those who may have an expressed need as well as those who might be simply “doing their best to get by” – and ask myself how I can best Consider others in what I say and what I do.”

This focus on Consideration was borne out of a feeling that I wasn’t receiving any. This was not actually true – but perception often belies reality. Once I had committed to offer the Consideration I felt I was lacking, my outlook morphed and I realized than in some ways I was guilty of the very thing I was feeling subjected to.

It’s important to note here that I have a very specific view of forgiveness. It’s not absolution of the person who I may perceive wronged me, but rather it is an intentional path to be able to give to that person again. For Giving. My reframing an event releases me from the energy it takes to stay angry or upset, and grants me the ability to view the other person with more of a sense of grace.

There were two individuals who were foremost in my mind during this time. One was a professional associate, the other was someone who I had never actually met in person. My thoughts around both of them were consuming me, and it was so unhealthy and personally destructive that I became unable to rationally separate the legends from the truth.

Realizing this took me back to the early days of my spiritual path. About ten years ago I was studying the Major Arcana of the Tarot and I was researching “The Emperor”. This path of study led me to the Greek pantheon and Zeus. I have always despised bullies and began a visceral dislike of Zeus. Before a weekend away I was absently straightening the apartment and a sentence appeared in my head: “you know the legends, but do you know the truth?” This made me stop in my tracks – I did know the legends of Zeus – but histories rarely tell the whole story, and this is exponentially true of myths. My heart and attitude began to soften. Later that afternoon, another fully formed thought appeared “you know what I was dealing with, could I have been anything else?”

This was the germination of an aspiration to be more Compassionate in my life. I don’t always succeed in that – in fact, I have failed more than I have succeeded in recent years – but the aspiration is there, the intention is there. As with many things, sometimes I struggle with the implementation.

It was in remembering these phrases that I attribute to Zeus that I was able to find peace and “forgiveness” for the people I felt at odds with. It caused me to realize that we can ever truly know what it’s like to walk anyone else’s path. Just like communicating with others is dependent on understanding their “interface”, so too is it important to know that our preconceptions of what “life” is may have no bearing at all on someone else’s experience.

So this month’s focus is, and has been, Compassion. Finding it in ourselves to let go of our own stuff long enough to realize that other people have their stuff too. We all want to be seen, and sometimes the high road is steep – but the exercise is ultimately good for us. If we’re not being seen, who are we not seeing?

Wrapped in this too is Compassion for ourselves. We are not perfect. We are not even the people that we aspire to be. We are all works in progress. It’s important to realize that the perception of us that matters the most is our own. We should strive to be who we want to be, not who other people have come to expect, and acknowledge that we are as deserving of Compassion as those we would seek to be Compassionate toward. We can’t always call for Compassion, but we can do our best to have it for ourselves.

Yesterday at 1:55pm the Moon was New again. I’m happy to be this early in the cycle and know so clearly what the focus for the month is.

In this past cycle I looked at Fragility – its causes and its impacts. It turned out mostly that the causes were just related to a very full schedule. Until the last decade, the safest place for me has usually been by myself. I have gotten a lot better at interacting safely (for me), but I still have a definite need to retreat to a “fortress of solitude”. I am grateful that everyone in my life understands and accepts this facet of me. It’s interesting that often time just knowing that I can retreat without contest helps me to sustain being social a little bit longer.

I don’t like the fact that I tend to “need” as much as I do. So many people have more real issues than I will ever know – yet still, in order for me to be the best me I can be for myself and others, I still need to Consider myself and ‘put my own oxygen mask on first’.

While I was pondering the focus for this month I was still mired in feelings of anger and frustration that left me feeling as if I was being treated with a lack of respect. As I ruminated on this (or stewed… depending on your perspective), I came to realize that the sense of disrespect I was feeling was not  malicious, it was simply borne out of a lack of Consideration.

Last weekend I was introduced to the concept of the Sunflower Lanyard. I had first seen a sign for this at the Philadelphia airport, but did not realize it was more widespread than that. The Sunflower Lanyard is used by persons with hidden disabilities – those who might need a little extra attention or Consideration moving through spaces, and whose needs might not be readily apparent to a casual observer. I was attending a regional Friends for Life conference hosted by Children with Diabetes. At the registration table I was offered the Sunflower Lanyard – and at first was going to decline. I manage my anxiety and introversion pretty well and there will always be those in greater need of Consideration than me. But I recognized that my focus on Fragility had defined my own need.

So this cycle I will focus on the philosophy and actions of Consideration. I want to try to do my best to be mindful of those around me – those who may have an expressed need as well as those who might be simply “doing their best to get by” – and ask myself how I can best Consider others in what I say and what I do.

The Moon was New at 9:40pm on September 14th; so just about a week ago. As we’ve moved through the first quarter, my intended focus for this cycle has changed a few times. In fact, last night I was certain what the theme would be – but the mood shifted on a dime and here we are.

Last month I looked at Actualizing. Taking stock of where I am on this path, how far I’ve come and where my path may lead from here. In that posting there was a lot of intention. I hesitate to say it was confidence – certainly edging toward that – but more a kind of self-acknowledgement. It felt good to stand in the power of my own words.

But power can be fleeting. As I began to examine my place on my path, I realized that the ground I was standing on might not be as stable as I had imagined. This has been a year of profound change – beginning in July of 2022 and it is still in motion. Earthquakes and aftershocks, and precious little shelter.

So the focus for this cycle is Fragility. My sense of self seems to be balanced on the head of a pin these days and I often catch myself moving through unanticipated reactions and perceptions. A trusted mentor has told me that it’s okay to feel whatever you feel – it’s what you choose to do about it that you need to be mindful of.

Every emotion seems to be in play – happiness, sadness, fear, anger. Anger is the trickiest one because it’s the one I am least familiar with. I had always been Switzerland – mediating conflict but not becoming embroiled in it myself. Now I find myself ferociously, if not aggressively, guarding my borders. This is very pronounced in my professional world, but I have noticed the same trend elsewhere.

For these reasons, Fragility seems to be the best focus. How can I manage myself on the shifting sands of this life in time while still honoring everyone I share the path with? How can I manage my changing emotions and share appropriately while still trying to work on my desire to provide clear and complete communication? How can I tread carefully, yet still deliberately?

I believe the first step is acknowledging the Fragility for what it is, and not fear it or try to hide it. I am Fragile right now – but just knowing and acknowledging that helps to make me stronger.

At 5:38am on Wednesday, August 16th the Moon was New again. The fact that this is being posted so close to the time is a testament to the accuracy of this cycle’s focus — but I am getting ahead of myself.

The focus for the last cycle was Assumption. In that post I spoke about “emotional reasoning”, and talked about how I would often assume an emotional significance or emotional weight to something someone might say or do, or a way someone will behave, that they did not intend. I also said that I wanted to allow space for fate to evolve rather than Assuming, and thereby possibly unintentionally manifesting an outcome.

Part of my work this past month involved reading “The Game of Life and How to Play It” by Florence Scovel Shinn. The book focuses on the power of attraction — that through faith and intent, we can draw what we desire into our lives. This dovetails nicely with a tenet of my own path, which states “To know, to dare, to will, to keep silent”. Specifically – know yourself; your motivations and desires, summon the courage to express those desires, will yourself to do the work to create space for the desire to manifest; then leave it alone — be silent. If it is to be, it will be — rest in the knowledge that your intentions were pure and you laid all the groundwork you could.

There’s a lot of trust involved in that. Trusting in oneself, trusting in the universe, and in many cases, having trust in those closest to us. Quite often, the things we choose to manifest for ourselves create ripples in the community around us. We have to believe that everyone will act with integrity and in their own best interests.

For me, one example of an exercise in trust has been trying not to craft escapes for other people. Often times, someone will ask me to confirm a thing: “We said we would do [x], right?” I would very often respond with “yes, if that’s still okay”. I always believed that stemmed from consideration — but I am realizing that it’s more from self-doubt and a lack of self-value. Also, it diminishes someone else’s path toward self-advocacy. If something changes, it should be the responsibility of the changing party to communicate that. We should try to be receptive and be gracious, but allow them the space to move as they will. As without, so within.

I’m getting there — and that’s the focus for this cycle: Actualizing. Since 2017, I have posted these insights, knowing they are a roadmap to my own self-actualization. I’m not there — not by a long-shot. After all, it’s the journey, not the destination. But I am Actualizing. If self-actualization is defined as “the realization or fulfillment of one’s talents and potentialities”, then I feel I am starting to touch on those now. I am making a concerted effort to organize and revitalize my living space; I am taking care of some lingering health issues; I am branching out on new creative endeavors, and I am saying “yes” more than I am shying away from new experiences. I am less afraid than I used to be, which only leads to enjoying all the experiences more fully.

Each of our paths is our own to walk. We can ask for help, we can offer help, but in the final analysis, the responsibility for ourselves is with each of us. This is where the chorus of this cycle’s song comes in:

I understand about indecision
but I don’t care if I get behind
People living in competition –
all I want is to have my Peace of Mind

…and as the outro insists: Take a look ahead…