A little over two weeks ago the moon was new, and this morning she was full – I’m late again, but not really. I’ve been Living my intention, regardless of not having written about it.
Last month’s focus was on Safety, and in it I spoke about how my life is “walking me down roads filled with choice and intention, and through these processes I’m beginning to understand that the more I am able to live my life in a deliberate state of choice, the safer I feel both physically and emotionally.”
This life of choice and intention is a bit of a double-edged sword as I lean into it. The overthinking and anxiety bring the wondering of whether the choices or intentions are the right ones. It’s getting easier though. The trip to Los Angeles last week brought many opportunities to let go of the “have to” and made me mindful of when I overthink, and how I can craft spaces where it isn’t necessary. It was wonderful how alive I found I was able to feel – giving myself permission to experience, rather than to analyze.
Years ago a very trusted spiritual sister used to tell me “more feeling, less thinking” – she knew, and her words still echo in my spirit. So this month’s focus of intent has been Living. The more I think, the further away I drive myself from my soul and spirit. The more I am able to trust and be, the more fully alive I feel and the more abandon I can experience.
Imagine that, focusing on abandon rather than abandonment.
I have known that Living was the focus since the moon was New. I have been Living it. I was at a loss for a song though – it’s become a bit of a bellwether, leading me toward a more full expression of my intent. I had thought I had one, but it didn’t have the right feel. Finally tonight I found what I had been yearning for, and I am surprised this is the first New Moon focus I’m using this song for.
The last time I posted it on Facebook was on August 17, 2016. In that post I wrote “everywhere is a new chance to heal, grow, become, and celebrate all the little things that make us who we are.”
That sounds a lot like Living to me.
“I’m not expecting to grow flowers in the desert, but I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime.”
Last Wednesday at 7:05am the moon was new again. I’m happy to be feeling better than I was last month and to show signs of having these posts back on track again. Last month’s focus was on a much needed Remedy. In some ways, it was a bit of a placeholder focus – but at the same time it was a much needed one – and it helped deliver the insight to “not lose sight of what may be right in front of you”.
Before I chose Remedy last month – or before it chose me – I had been experimenting with different ideas for focus. I had even thought I had chosen one. As I contemplated what this month may suggest, I drilled down to an even tighter focus.
It’s no secret to most of you that I grapple with bouts of severe anxiety. I have a whole box of tools and years of experience that help me cope and allow me to present in such a way that only the souls who know me best can see exactly where my brain isn’t. This anxiety is borne mostly by my reactions to perceived expectations – I have an innate (and unnatural) need to make sure everyone and everything else is okay, often to the detriment of myself.
I was about to relate a story from childhood that I view as the root cause of this need to satisfy global perceptions – but I erased the paragraph. Suffice it to say I know the cause. It was innocent and I have reconciled the intention – but I cannot just “undo” the subsequent years of my reinforcing it. It’s a process. Life is a process.
The process of my life right now is walking me down roads filled with choice and intention, and through these processes I’m beginning to understand that the more I am able to live my life in a deliberate state of choice, the safer I feel both physically and emotionally. Sure, there are times circumstances are thrust upon us and we have to just react – but if there are moments to stretch the muscles of choice, of listening carefully to our own inner voices and acting on their will, the more we build the habits that lend us feelings of Safety.
I had the honor of attending the wedding of an unlikely but cherished friend this weekend. I opted to go alone as the ceremony was up in the lands that my parents families had settled in and I wanted to commune a bit there. The ceremony was beautiful – filled with culture and reverence and inclusion and joy. Toward the end of the night though the dancing began. I have always said I’d much rather play the music than dance to it – and the gods have allowed that. I danced in my soul for my friend and her life – but not on the dance floor.
One day I will look at myself with a less critical eye. One day I will loose the shackles that keep my spirit smaller than it needs to be. For today though, I will focus on what it means, and how it feels, for my spirit to experience Safety.
On September 6 at 8:52pm, the moon was new. Monday night at 7:55pm the Harvest Moon was full.
The focus last month was Authenticity, and I spoke about trying to “surround yourself, and nurture relationships, with people who trust and value you for who you are and want to build space where there is relative safety.” I didn’t realize how interwoven Authenticity and Safety would become during that cycle. The end of August saw one of my most disorienting panic episodes in years, followed that same week by some deeply triggering aftershocks. I did manage some healing time over that weekend and started to find my footing again. It was all about honoring how I was feeling above and beyond how I felt I was expected to feel. Putting one’s own oxygen mask on first.
The following weekend, Labor Day weekend, I had surgery on my jaw to place two implants. I had thought about what this month’s focus would be and even started to draft a post. Then on September 7th my body decided it was done. Fever and fatigue without explanation dug in for the better part of two weeks. It wasn’t Covid according to an antigen test, but I was out.
Being so out of it for the first two weeks of this cycle really drove that theme home – because there was no energy for being anything but Authentic. Those two weeks were limited to doing only what was necessary. Consequently I’ve been wrestling with this month’s focus. I didn’t want my original choice because we’re three weeks in and I haven’t been able to work with it at all. Two days ago I thought I’d chosen a fitting focus but that felt forced.
Today as I was walking, I reflected on last night’s band rehearsal and it hit me. Coming off the panic, the surgery, and the mystery illness – I’ve needed a Remedy. Surreptitiously enough, The Remedy was a song I’d suggested for the band the Sunday after my surgery and we ran through for the first time last night. It’s been my companion through my healing – and important lesson to not lose sight of what may be right in front of you.
Two weeks ago, on August 8th at 9:50am, the moon was new again. This morning, at 8:02am, the moon was full again. Yet here we are – only now posting the intention I’ve been living with for two weeks.
Last month’s focus was Identity, and in that post I reasoned that “I’ve spent much of my life putting on masks and being someone else – to the point that it feels like very, very few people truly have a sense of the real me.”
This constant need to please, or not offend, has been draining. Several years ago when working through David Richo’s “Shadow Dance” I learned more about what drives that aspect of my personality, and how to temper it. Wanting to please people, and wanting others to be happy, only becomes a bad thing when it isn’t genuine or is in some way harmful. One could argue that the act of being deceptive, even as the means to a beneficial end, is in itself harmful.
I’ve had the opportunity over the past few weeks to spend time with people who hold very safe and non-judgmental places for me where I’ve been able to practice very intentional communication. In these moments I find I’ve been able to dig down and understand the shenpa, or attachment, that bind certain emotions to certain circumstances.
For example, last month I had shared time with someone who had told me afterward that they needed to decompress a bit after our visit because there was so much energy in the time we’d spent together. I was grateful for their being able to state what they were feeling, and even more grateful that they knew I was a safe space to both voice it and work through it.
A few weeks later I spent time with another friend just hiking through a park. Near the end of the hike they’d suggested just sitting on a bench near the stream. We sat together, in silence, for about 15 minutes. It was set aside as a kind of meditative experience so no conversation was expected and that caused me to reflect on the joy of sharing silence with someone.
The next day, I had plans to see the first friend again, and while out for a walk with them, there was a period of silence. As we walked in the quiet I felt the shenpa. I wanted to say something, I wanted to fill the space. I dug down and realized that emotionally, silence had been a harbinger of bad times. Too many passive/aggressive people in my past would go quiet – and when asked if something was bothering them, they would say ‘no’, despite the fact that they were holding anger or disappoint or sadness related to me. My coping mechanism created the rule that if there’s no silence, nothing will be wrong.
In that silence that day I realized that if people can’t own their emotions and their experiences, it is not my responsibility to placate them and provide a distracting or entertaining atmosphere. Much better to surround yourself, and nurture relationships, with people who trust and value you for who you are and want to build space where there is relative safety. I don’t need to wear the masks.
So the theme for this month is Authenticity. As I was crafting this post I came to learn that there is a lot of popular pushback against striving for “Authenticity”. That doesn’t bother me. In my research I discovered that Authentic, as defined in existentialist philosophy, is “relating to or denoting an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life.” In my view, there should not be cause to push back against being emotionally appropriate, purposeful, or responsible.
As the weeks have gone along, I have had more opportunity to practice this kind of Authenticity. I realize in those moments that I feel very vulnerable – my safety net of trying to put the happiness of others ahead of my own is deeply engrained – but being able to be vulnerable in a trusted space is empowering. It gives me courage to be true to myself, and vulnerable, in less deliberate spaces. This weekend I was even able to share the inner workings of all of this with another trusted soul and I believe it helped affirm to them that I can be a safe space as well.
The song for this month is “As We Go Along” from The Monkees. I chose it because I feel like I’m singing the first verse to myself:
I can tell by your face / that you’re looking to find a place To settle your mind and reveal who you are And you shouldn’t be shy / for I’m not gonna try To hurt you or heal you or steal your star
Monkees. Lyrics to “As We Go Along.” Carole King, 2021, caroleking.com/discography/songs/we-go-along.
As I move through these changes, I might not always be who you have come to expect – but I hope we can meet in a place where you get to know who’s been hiding under all the layers.
Yesterday at 9:17pm the moon was new again – so as I sit to write this, I’m only 24 hours past when I should have posted – compared to the last few months, this is progress.
Last month’s focus was on Perspective. In that post I had said that “Seeing myself for who I am, and growing more comfortable in the concept of my own self, has shifted that Perspective and shows me that had I stopped trying so hard, I might have been able to welcome the gifts I’d been chasing away.”
I’ve spent much of my life putting on masks and being someone else – to the point that it feels like very, very few people truly have a sense of the real me. I entered this world (as I understand the stories) with my mother wanting to name me Sean and my father wanting to name me Patrick – so vivid is this distinction that I honestly can’t recall one time my father called me Sean. Interestingly, I have no memory of my mother ever calling me that either. My dad always used to use Pat or SeanPatrick – I honestly have no idea what my mother called me.
But being born into a naming controversy was just the first step – I was also born an uncle. The younger of my two sisters has used the phrase “Uncle Baby Sean Patrick” – I’m not sure how widespread that might have been, but it’s accurate. I had to play the role of child, but I also had to find ways to relate on a different level with siblings who had children that were around my age. I was compelled to grasp deeper concepts, but still stand at the top of the stairs and sing Moon River as company was leaving.
This concept of Identity was underscored at band rehearsal recently – and again at last week’s gig – when my band family started to rattle off the roles I play in the group. Keyboardist, background vocalist, sometime lead vocalist, guitarist, sound engineer, accountant… I’m happy to do all of them – but those are a lot of hats. I said to my boss in work this week that while I have a title, I’m really a utility infielder – whatever we need, she should feel free to throw me at that role.
I’m grateful that I can function reasonably well in different areas – but from my own Perspective, it can be distracting. Who am I?
So the theme for this cycle is Identity. I want to get a sense of how I feel in all of the roles I play and try to determine what about them brings Me joy. I don’t think I’m going to stop doing any of the things I do, or stop being who I am to the myriad people in my life – but I need to get a handle on what works for me, and not just what serves everyone else’s needs. I said once to someone not long ago that I didn’t want to be the value to a variable in someone else’s equation – I wanted to know my own worth. I think this is the goal of all of these posts in total though – not just confined to one month. Still – it’s good to know the question.
I struggled with a song for this post; with no fewer than half a dozen songs fitting the theme in one way or another. I finally settled on something meaningful but obscure – a little known track from Billy Squier’s “Don’t Say No” album called “Nobody Knows”. This is actually one of the three songs I want played at my funeral (the others being Queen’s “Teo Torriatte” and Supertramp’s “Take The Long Way Home”). “Nobody Knows” won the place in this post though because the couplet at the end of the first bridge really seems to capture the feeling of finding the “real” me – “We all got something that we care about, I propose you find it out…”
As always, thank you all for coming along on this journey of self-discovery!
On Thursday, June 10th at 6:53am the moon was new again, coinciding with the solar eclipse, and closing out last month’s focus of Evolution. In that post I had said that the innate ability to redeem ourselves and do better, to enact an adaptation and propagate it forward in our time-stream, is how we Evolve.
For reasons I cannot fully explain, I have not found myself able to Evolve any closer to publishing these notes on the day of the New Moon. I have known for weeks what this theme would be, but the words escaped me. Perhaps in time. Perhaps all things in time.
The focus on personal Evolution caused me to reflect on some moments in my life, as I drew the path from where I was to where I am. As I looked back, I found that times when I thought things were so “bad”, were really just moments of choice and growth. Sure, there are things I wish I would have done differently – that might not have caused others quite so much hurt – but I don’t know that I would have altered course all that drastically. Sometimes bridges do need to be burned.
As I reflected though I found an interesting pattern. The times that I seem to have regretted the most were times when I was intentionally not being true to myself. One of the difficulties of being born late into an already developed family is the sense that I had to accelerate my maturity. I had to be what I imagined everyone was expecting, rather than feel like I had the freedom to simply be. This “programming” extended through my growth and development – announcing my arrival to grade school with the precocious question “could you please direct me to the first grade?” – a fine example. What six year old says that? It perpetuated even up until recent years – with being so self-conscious about my body image (among so many other things) that I felt I had to use costumes or personalities or some other artifice to be part of whatever I was already naturally welcomed to.
Now that the hair is long and the weight is coming off – I’m seeing the “me” I’d always seen in my mind – and I’m finding it easier to be that person. Will I fit in everywhere? No. Am I the person people have come to “expect”? Maybe. That depends on how deeply they were looking. But I’m finally at the point in my evolution where I feel like I can start to set aside the smoke and mirrors and just be “me”.
Which brings me to this cycle’s intention – Perspective. When I was in the midst of all of the awkward moments, and misguided schemes, and the overcomplicated “trying too hard”, I thought I was in quicksand. I felt I had to do and be “more” just to maintain position. Seeing myself for who I am, and growing more comfortable in the concept of my own self, has shifted that Perspective and shows me that had I stopped trying so hard, I might have been able to welcome the gifts I’d been chasing away.
So for this cycle I want to work to intentionally shift my Perspective – pairing what I see from my perceived vantage point with what I imagine I might see from my preferred situation. See what we have, but also look at our destination through eyes that have already arrived there. It’s easy to appreciate Perspective in hindsight – but can it be possible to provoke Perspective in foresight?
The first step in seeing the things we’re looking for is to open up our eyes.
Last Tuesday at 3pm the moon was new again, and it looks like I’m actually going to get this one posted before a full week elapses. Progress!
Last month’s focus was on Well-being – not just a recap of my efforts to get my physical Well-being into shape (pun intended), but with an eye toward my metaphysical well-being too. All wrapped in an effort to “be” well. The physical side keeps progressing – continuing to monitor the diet and exercise, leveraging my OCD superpower to dig into all of the metrics. It’s good not only to be able to see changes, but note cause and effect too. Internally I’m starting to get some sense of balance back and have become a bit more self-motivated again. It’s a process.
Which brings me to this month’s focus. Echoing the mention of progress and process so far, this month’s focus is Evolution. Looking back at the past three months – seeing Acceptance (of where we are and our circumstance), Time (the ever-flowing path we move along), and Well-being (an intention of manifesting wellness along that path) – Evolution seemed like a good sign post. It provides an opportunity for both reflection and planning – and unlike metamorphosis, it doesn’t imply a completion to the process.
As someone who observes milestones, May can be a challenging month for me. I look back and see SO many things I wish I could have done or handled differently, and I wonder if I really learned from those many mistakes, or whether I still let the same insecurities manifest today. Honestly, I would rather cultivate new insecurities and make new mistakes. I also look at moments in my life that others see as failures and I have no regret or remorse – so I suppose there really are no absolutes.
What I do believe is that we are all on an arc of redemption. We screw up, we figure it out, we make amends if they’re warranted, and we do better next time. This innate ability to redeem ourselves and do better, to enact an adaptation and propagate it forward in out time-stream, this is how we Evolve.
All of the songs that came to mind for this post didn’t quite fit for one reason or another. Then, reflecting on a moment over the weekend, and encouraged by yet another moment today – intuition calls for me to post this one. Each day is a new opportunity to change course, a new chance at redemption, and another step in our Evolution.
At 10:31pm on Sunday, April 11th, the moon was New again. Almost two weeks ago now, but the theme for that cycle was Time – and last month I was also two weeks into the cycle before the announcement came – so really, I’m right on schedule. Perspective counts for a lot.
The theme of Time was particularly poignant – but I carry forward the fact that every moment counts, and redemption or salvation can be on our next breath.
The theme for this month saw its inception in one such moment. It was late February when I was gently called to be mindful of the sugar I was putting into my coffee.
Those of you who have been following along for the past year know that I’ve been struggling with weight, increased blood pressure, high blood sugar, and abnormal cholesterol and triglyceride levels. All indicators of something called Metabolic Syndrome which increases my risk of heart disease, stroke, and type 2 diabetes. I’d started walking last year and was incredibly proud of myself, until the bloodwork came back barely changed.
So – sugar. At first I brushed it off and drank the coffee. The next day I thought about it again and looked at how many grams of sugar I was starting out my day with. Recommendations say you should consume no more than 35-60 grams of added sugar per day. I was starting every day with 36. I went back to diligently keeping a food diary – then suddenly, as if no one had ever said it before, came the epiphany – diet and exercise.
The app I use suggested a 1500 calorie/day diet – with a cap of 57g of sugar, 17g saturated fat, and a suggested 76g of protein. So on March 3rd I began. In that time I’ve lost 11 pounds. When I had my bloodwork done at the end of March they were the best results I’d had since 2010 – total cholesterol and triglycerides are in a normal range and my A1c is down from 5.9 to 5.5. Right now, I’m at my lowest consistent weight in 15 years and am averaging nearly 6000 steps/day.
So the theme for this month is Well-being. I am moved to choose it primarily because of the physical aspect, but I am also called to examine the more metaphysical interpretation. Spiritual mentors I respect speak of being “a proper person, properly prepared” – my physical Well-being is improving, but how can I improve my overall state of Being Well? Now that the ship is being rehabbed, how can I be sure the captain is in good shape?
To this end I want to go back a few years and revisit The Four Agreements – Be Impeccable With Your Word, Don’t Take Anything Personally, Don’t Make Assumptions, and Always Do Your Best. I’ve fallen down on all but the first lately, and I know I want to be better. I also want to try to apply some focus to the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path – Right Understanding, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. I seem to be pulled in directions that lead away from my true sense of self, not toward it. While this is to be expected from time to time, it’s gone on longer than I’m comfortable with – so let’s draw the circle a little tighter for a bit. My thinking is that by focusing on the basics and examining how I’m living my life, I can bring clarity to those moments where I’m falling away from my best self – and in so doing, “Be” well.
No song this time – I had a few choices, but they all seemed to veer too far from the theme for this cycle; and frankly, veering too far from the theme is the problem to be answered this month.
At 5:12am on Saturday, March 13th, the Moon was New. Now, we’re nearly half way through the cycle and I haven’t announced what this month’s intention is yet.
Am I late? No – and such is my lesson this cycle. Everything happens in its own Time. It might not be the Time we expect, or the Time we want, but it happens when it is designed to.
Last month’s theme was about Acceptance. It focused a lot on my being Accepted by others, relating a story from my high school years that underscored a sense of being somewhat ostracized – which ended up being far more of a blessing than a curse. In many ways, that set the stage for this cycle. All is as it is designed to be.
Despite the theme of Acceptance though, I fought against it a lot. The post itself didn’t get nearly the traction I had wanted it to – and yes, I had a really hard Time Accepting that. It was just one of the many, many things that called for Acceptance last cycle. But through all the back and forth with myself, the way I closed the last post was the thing that was important to be carried forward: “When people of good character show up in our lives being unapologetically who they are they should be embraced, not questioned, because it is their very diversity that gives color to our worlds.”
Many of you know I’m a stickler for dates – anniversaries are important milestones. They provide an opportunity to look at where we are and where we’ve been – and look forward to where we might go. I’m not talking about personal relationship anniversaries here – though they are in many ways more important – but I’m talking about other kinds of life changes.
Just before the last cycle ended, on March 12th, it was the 8th anniversary of the interview which led to my career re-birth. The following Tuesday, the 16th, was the 7th anniversary of my separation from a spiritual community that had helped to redefine my spirituality, and gave me many trusted friends I still look to today. While I railed against my “unwelcoming” for a long time, I see now that there were lessons to learn about how people choose to behave, and the value of compassion. Then just this past Saturday, Ostara, was the 5th anniversary of my dedication to my current spiritual community – for whom I am ever grateful.
But among all of those anniversaries are also ones from just last year. March 11th marked one year since I sat in a bar to pass an evening with a drink and a friend. We will get back to those days – but we have to move through these difficult ones first.
So the theme this cycle is Time. For those of you who are saying “but you always said Time doesn’t exist” – I still maintain it is an artificial construct to measure the passage of matter and energy through space. But that’s the point. We all move through this space – sometimes aware of the moments we’re spending, sometimes pained by the moments in our memory, sometimes too focused on the moments to come. In reality, we can only truly function in one moment at a time. Stop. Breathe. Appreciate the good and bad in this moment.
There were so many songs that could have been the soundtrack to this post – but I’m returning to an old favorite. Rather than the official video, I’m posting a lyric video – because words matter.
Savor each moment. Enjoy every sandwich. Love without agenda.
Last Tuesday afternoon the moon was new and the time had come to complete the past cycle and begin this one.
Last month I focused on Words – their audience, their intent, and their meaning. Words are at the core of my self-expression – I sit and think and craft what I’m going to say, mostly because I realized long ago that one of my two biggest fears is being misunderstood.
I was on the brink of using Words last Monday, and using them in a way that risked muddling the message I was trying to send. Someone had posted something on Facebook about an advance they’d made in their life and self-expression, and I was about to comment on a realization I had had several years before that prompted me to think similarly.
Then I stopped. How was what I was preparing to say serving HIS story? Was it doing anything at all other than promoting myself? Was I just trying to be cool?
Cool.
I grew up with Happy Days and Fonzie – cool was in my psyche at a critical developmental stage. In seventh grade, I knew I wasn’t cool – I had no hope of being cool. My parents were the ages of the grandparents of most of my peers. I had a world-view and priorities that weren’t at all like those of my classmates. Everything for me was cause and effect, everything was quantifiable. So I approached a classmate who I saw as “cool” and asked him what would qualify. I tried to establish some kind of scale where things you did or said accrued “points” and once you got enough points you were cool.
Hopeless. Utterly hopeless.
During my freshman year in high school I torpedoed any possible chance of “cool”. There was a talent show and I thought I’d enter and sing. I’d been in the grade school glee club, and I used to sing at home with my sister, so this seemed like a good plan. The downside was that I had zero knowledge of popular music. My dad was 63 when I was in high school – so the music at home was mostly his big band records. My sister introduced me to The Carpenters and Barry Manilow – but I knew they wouldn’t fit. My father’s favorite contemporary song was “If” by Bread. He also liked the jazz guitarist Tony Mottola, who had recorded a jazz instrumental version of “If”. So what do I do? Stand in front of my entire high school as a freshman and sing “If” backed by Tony Mottola’s jazz guitar. Thus ended any hopes of my ever being one of the “cool” kids. At least I walked away feeling like I’d honored my father and his sacrifices that put me in that school.
But time is a funny thing. The time at home getting lost in music helped me find my first group of real friends – oddly enough, met at a Halloween party trying to pick music for everyone else to listen to. It put me in the folk group at school where more friends were made. All of these people are still profoundly important in my life. This “outsiderness” also fed my fascination with computers, which led to my first career, which led to my first band. Fast forward to today and all of the gifts that made me an outsider then are the things I am valued for in my communities today.
So the theme for this cycle is Acceptance. To be cool is to find Acceptance – but to be able to be yourself and to find Acceptance is even better. When people of good character show up in our lives being unapologetically who they are they should be embraced, not questioned, because it is their very diversity that gives color to our worlds.
