Nox Amicus

At 1:21am on December 1st, the Moon was new again. Yes – that’s 1:21 on 12/1. Cool the way the Universe can spell things out for us, isn’t it?

The focus for the last cycle was, fittingly, Crossroads – where I’d wondered whether to cloister myself away or venture out into the world and try to make some kind of difference; it was a search for purpose and meaning.

There are always choices at a Crossroads – you can move forward, you can move to one side or another, you can retreat and move backwards, or you can even stand still. I was watching myself move through the potential choices as I stood. I really grappled with what this focus was going to be for a long time. Several times I thought I had topics that almost resonated but were never quite right.

I began to look back over the past few months of writings – from Freedom to Mattering to Definition to Crossroads – a linear struggle to encapsulate and thereby extrapolate who I am. Each potential focus was right – but they were also both extravagant and safe. Lovely for show, but were they real? Was I letting me be me? Was I perpetuating the same dilemma?

On Monday evening I had dinner with a friend I’d met through work. Over a dinner of Thai food, they were telling me about how they had bounced from their native Sydney to Denver, then Florida, then finally Philadelphia. As I was sitting and sharing stories with someone who, on paper, I would be unlikely to ever meet – I realized that this is the nature of my life. Yes, ‘Sydney’ was a helpful trigger — but the whole evening reminded me of something I have come to believe about myself.

I often have no idea what I’m doing. A technical band adventure last week was another case in point – collaborating to do a thing and do it the “right way” even though neither of us had a preconceived idea of how to go about it. But this informed “no idea what I’m doing” leads me to want to be the kind of person who leaves the village, walks across the land, and climbs up a hill just to see what’s there and tell the village. I don’t want to go to the thing I saw – I’ll let someone else blaze the trail. But I’ll tell them where the trail should go.

So from my station at the Crossroads, I want to climb the Hills. It’s only through going up, elevating ourselves, and seeing what the landscape looks like that we can make our best, most informed, and educated suppositions about where to go next. Not standing still, but rather carefully evaluating the potential directions. From the Hills we can see both the light and shadow; we can see where we’ve been and all of the places we might go.

The companion song this cycle is an obscure one – “Follow Me into the Hills” by Kathryn Calder. There were a number of songs about Hills and climbing, but many made reference to the higher ground – and I didn’t want to wrap myself in that style of judgment. Instead, the lyric that speaks to me here is “Into the Hills, I’ve got my hands and my head full – A cautious step but I’m hopeful. I leave the station I go up into the Hills”.

Next cycle I hope to come back down from those Hills and let you know what I found!

At 8:47am on November 1st, the moon was new again. The theme for the last cycle was Definition. In an effort to figure out what Mattered, I wanted to try to take some time to figure out exactly who I was. The results were mixed.

October presented numerous opportunities for personal growth. I faced challenges with new people in unfamiliar environments, there were vibrant gigs with the band, which allowed me to express myself musically. I overcame obstacles that were Defining to my professional identity. I had a moment with my spiritual community that was deeply resonant. However, I realize that these experiences are merely components that could belong to anyone. Nothing truly stood out as a unique path for my Definition. And maybe that’s really the lesson there. We are the sum of our experiences – and it’s those moments that are unique to each of us.

Today, I find myself reflecting not only on my personal life but also on the state of the world at large, in microcosm and macrocosm. I sense that the world, the country, and myself have moved beyond the realm of Definition and decision. Instead, we all find ourselves at Crossroads, with the multiple directions seemingly limitless. Each path represents a different perspective, a different variable. Do we choose the path of resistance, railing against the perceived impositions on us? Or do we succumb to complacency, accepting the status quo and diligently going about our daily lives? Do we actively bury our heads in the sand, deferring that it’s someone else’s problem?

In this moment of reflection, I opt for a fourth alternative. There’s a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that teaches that “it is only by cultivating peace in our own body and mind, releasing tension, calming strong emotions, re-evaluating our perceptions, and making peace with our family members and colleagues, that we will be able to create peace in our society, our nation and in the world.” So yeah – over the past several years I’ve had the “luxury” of unpacking a lot of my underlying stress and anxiety in an effort to make peace with my past and myself. Now I feel that inner work needs to take a back seat to instilling a little more distance and fortitude, and trying to be of better service to the greater community.

This focus on self and the radiating outward of energies is truly where I’ve always strived to be. It’s been in my spirituality for over a decade now, my musical journey for at least eight years, and my focus on compassion for about ten years. However, we’re entering a new age, and I know that I have the privilege of directing my energies outwards rather that just focusing on myself, and that there are souls beyond me needing my energies more than I do. We’re all at a Crossroads where we have to make a choice between who we are, who we’ve been, and who we want to become.

So as we leave this last cycle of harvest, I stand at a Crossroads. To keep my head down and perseverate and evaluate and contemplate – or to go out in the world and do and use the keys I’ve been given to unlock the doors? To quote this cycle’s companion song though – “anything is possible when we’re sowing the seeds of love.”

At 2:49pm yesterday, the moon was New. The last time I was this close to the actual date was in May, but this theme hit me like a ton of metaphorical bricks over the weekend and needed to come out now.

In this last cycle, I focused on Mattering. I wanted to feel some inherent sense of relevance – not so much to other people but to myself. I wanted to find a space where I didn’t always feel like I needed to overextend.

This over-extension comes from a need to be all things to all people as flawlessly as possible. This brings with it a seemingly never-ending torrent of contingencies – over-anticipating every possible perceived need. Every need, of course, except my own.

This flurry of the chess board inside my head was presented to me on a screen this weekend when I watched “Inside Out 2.” Without really giving away the plot, the primary conflict in the movie was between Joy and Anxiety. Seeing this play out on a screen broke me. Those films are hard enough for me because I have always seen the personification of emotions and motivations in my own head. The clarity and succinctness of this was jarring.

When I related this to a most trusted soul, I was asked where my higher self was in those moments. I explained that in many ways my higher self had bailed out and was sitting in a bar in Sydney waiting for me to get it together. This is kind of true. There was a completeness in Sydney where there were no contingencies or expectations – I was free to walk the streets with no agenda at all – as myself, not a customized version of me created for someone else. I know that isn’t a sustainable way to live a life; we all have responsibilities and obligations, but I feel like I’m always missing the obligation to myself. It always feels like it’s a battle to justify and attain what feeds my soul. This, in turn, leaves me spiritually malnourished to Define my own path.

So the theme for this cycle is Definition. How do I Define myself to myself? What parameters exist that make me “me”? Put most simply, who am I? Or, which “me” am I? I seem to keep coming back to this question. I asked exactly the same thing in July of 2021 in a post on Identity. This feels different though somehow – more evolved maybe, or more urgent? I am increasingly aware of my components and motivations, it’s just how to integrate them into a more cohesive whole. To Define which me that I present is genuine, or Define which elements of all of the versions are common and come together to be my most authentic self.

On Monday morning at 2:06am the moon turned New again, ending last month’s focus of Weather. In that last post, I was describing surviving some of life’s stormier moments and talked about how we navigate the natural changes in our lives when they’re distorted, and often amplified by, a past that won’t be ignored.

In that post, I asserted that it was all Weather, and that we needed the challenges we’re presented with in order to grow. The past cycle also included the tenth anniversary of Life of Pi Day, and I commented how I am not the person I was ten years ago. I realize now that I’m not even the person I was 10 months ago. Frankly, I’m not living the life that I thought I was living ten weeks ago.

I had a vision or a dream a couple months back where I saw myself as a soft and pliable creature — but I had metal rods woven through me, forming a kind of skeleton. I realized in that moment that I was literally embodying control — so I visualized removing the rods and forging a hammer from them — reasoning that it was better to wield or exercise control, than to have it be my all-consuming state.

Throughout my life, I’ve tried to shelter the people I care about — and myself — from everything. Assuming control of things I had no control over, or any right to control, I had woven those metal rods over a long period of time. Part of the sheltering was building compartments where all of the facets of my life could live undisturbed by — and unaware of — any other facets of my life. It took an incredible amount of energy to maintain those silos — but just like the rods, it was second nature to me — it was who I was.

I wanted to be free of it all though. I wanted to live one whole life — not dozens of lesser lives. Ten years ago, I realized I could never have a birthday party because no two groups would get along — and I was all about everyone at least pretending to get along. Over this past decade — and mostly since 2019 — I had dismantled a lot of walls. I really thought that I had been doing better.

Unraveling the control rods though… that blew the firewalls out of any remaining compartments. Firewalls that, in many cases, I had become oblivious to. I was the architect — I had the drawings — it was up to me to keep everything up to code and to keep everyone safe.

I failed.

The only way to move on from failure is to learn the Lessons it teaches you — so the theme for this cycle is Lessons. I thought about it being ‘control’ or ‘failure’ — but I want to learn from all of it. I want to keep striving to do and be better. To quote this cycle’s song — “I’m just another fallen angel, trying to get through the night.”

So what have I learned? First, architectural drawings shouldn’t be secrets. There should always be public hearings and as comprehensive a communications strategy as possible. You’d think with a degree in communications, I would know this. Second, listen to people — and if you don’t understand what they’re asking — get clarification. If you don’t understand questions and warnings, do the work and figure it out. To quote my favorite West Wing episode, “You listen to everybody and then you call the play.” Third, assume nothing. It’s really true — if you assume it makes an ass of u and me. If you can’t point to how you know — then you simply don’t know what you think you know.

The future can’t be the same as the past — and it shouldn’t be — that defeats the purpose. That doesn’t mean that we can’t learn Lessons from the past to build a brighter future though. I still have Lessons to learn, damage to clean up, and amends to make — but I want to do the righter things. Or, to quote Frozen 2 — “do the next right thing.”

The tag line from the focus song for the cycle says it best though — “All I want from tomorrow, is to get it better than today….”

Today marks ten years since the darkest day of my adult life. I was unemployed with no prospects, deeply in debt, and freshly out of a relationship that toyed with my psychology in truly horrible ways. In one of the darkest moments of that day, there came an unexpected invitation from an unlikely friend. Today was the pivot point, the terminator between dark and light, the distinction between wishing and hoping. That friend and I agreed not to talk about the heavy things on our minds but to celebrate what we knew in those moments, and we saw “The Life of Pi” together. The end of the movie poses the question, “In both stories, the ship sinks, my family dies, and I suffer.” “So, which story do you prefer?” This was the point in my life where the idea of choosing our own narrative was formed and, in many ways, marks where I started to be reborn.

I was guided through that darkness by the help and love of some incredibly awesome souls, to whom I am always grateful. So today really isn’t sadness or angst — it’s deep appreciation. It’s all a matter of perspective. Or, to quote from the movie: “Above all, don’t lose hope.”

At 3:53pm yesterday, January 21st, the moon was New. Look at me being all timely this cycle!

My last post focused on Action – and the differentiation between the Action to pursue a desire and the Action to understand the motivation behind it. What the intention taught me though was that Action happens – we can affect some control, we might be able to break a little inertia – but the Universe is going to Act regardless of whether it suits our plans.

This was echoed in a conversation with a trusted soul around the idea that “the future is unwritten” – and I posited that we have it within ourselves to pick up the pen. It was pointed out that while that’s true to a degree, every future is not ours to write. The Universe might accept feedback, and we might be able to craft our performance to an extent – but we are reliant on the sum of all the parts to determine what the narrative is.

The story being written now has some very complex twists and turns. It feels like every important facet of my life is in a state of flux. This is all coming at a time when my unnatural awareness of anniversaries is undermining my self-confidence. Ten years ago, during this cycle, my life profoundly crashed and burned through psychological abuse and gaslighting. I need to take care, because the echoes and memories can be vivid. But that was then –  I am not the person I was, and the people who surround me today are profoundly amazing and I am truly blessed. To reference “The Life of Pi”, I prefer this story.

But what do we do with the “ick” when it comes up? How do we navigate natural changes in our lives when they’re distorted and often amplified by a past that won’t be ignored?

The answer is the same way we might allay our fear when traveling through any storm. It’s all only Weather. Sure – it might be intense and even damaging, but if we can seek the right kinds of shelter, it always passes. The beauty of this is that rain can wash away the ick and the sun will literally show us everything in a new light.

So the theme for this cycle is Weather. We need all of the Weather – wind, sun, precipitation, and dryness – in all of their majesty. We need the challenges we’re presented with in order for us to grow. How we face those challenges can give us the opportunity to ask for the help we need. Storms bind our communities together, sunlight crafts a space to celebrate.

So everywhere you go, always take the Weather with you!

At 2:17am on December 23rd the moon was new. Earlier this evening, at 6:08pm, She became full. I’m not sure there’s ever been a half-cycle gap between a New Moon and my professed intention before, but here we are.

I find that I’m still digging into the feelings around Wanting from September’s focus. In that post, I wrote “Receiving is contingent on generosity, reciprocity, consent, and a whole variety of other conditions – but the Wanting is solely on us. We’re allowed, and even encouraged, to Want – regardless of the outcome.”

But what happens when we’re not truly certain what “we” actually want?

Following this thread of thinking, I happened upon something called mimetic theory, proposed by 20th century French philosophical anthropologist René Girard. In describing mimetic theory, Girard wrote that “Man is the creature who does not know what to desire, and he turns to others in order to make up his mind. We desire what others desire because we imitate their desires.”

This resonated with my October post on Reciprocity – where I had said that “what we Want might be what another desires to receive, and that what they are free to give fulfills our Wanting.” As I burrow deeper into this I see seeds from my childhood – where it was safer for me to want something that had a high probability of being provided, rather than follow my own bliss.

Last month I focused on Surrender – and my feeling when confronted with an unfulfilled want, it might be better to step away from the desire than continue to pursue it in what might be an unhealthy way. This was summed in the last line, to Surrender – but don’t give yourself away.

In that same focus on Surrender though, I talked about the Wheel of Consent and noted that ‘Giving/Taking/Allowing/Receiving are all Actions’. Perhaps the healthy option to divining desire, and perhaps even fulfilling it, is not by letting the chips fall where they may, but rather to affect a change in our Action.

Everything worth having is worth working for – but sometimes that work is less about the active pursuit of a desire, but rather the work to understand our motivations and what that want or desire actually serves. What do we want, and why do we want it? How do we answer those questions when our perception of our intrinsic wants might have been blocked or stunted?

So the focus for this cycle is Action – and for solace on the journey I’ll turn to Pete Townshend and The Who, and the second half of the bridge to this cycle’s song:

I don’t know where I’m going
I don’t know what I need
But I’ll get to where I’m gonna end up
And that’s alright by me

Townshend, Pete. “Let’s See Action.” Hooligans, 1981, https://www.songfacts.com/lyrics/the-who/lets-see-action.

At 5:57pm on Wednesday, November 23rd the Moon was New again. I have known about this theme since then and had wanted to post this – but holidays, band gigs, birthdays, and the like happened first. If we are going to reflect on life, it’s important to remember to live it as well!

Last cycle’s theme of Reciprocity was in reaction to the prior cycle’s focus on Wanting. In thinking about Reciprocity, I thought about the acts of Wanting and Receiving, and how being open to Getting what we Give, and Giving what we might wish to Receive, are all gathered in a similar construct. This reminded me of Betty Martin’s “Wheel of Consent” – where the acts of Giving/Taking/Allowing/Receiving are all quadrants in a wheel.

Through this journey of allowing myself to Want, and understanding that my nature is to embrace Reciprocity, I acknowledge that the aforementioned Giving/Taking/Allowing/Receiving are all actions. Reminiscent of Massive Attack’s song “Teardrop” which opens “love, love is a verb – love is a doing word”. But what happens when we don’t have the spoons to act?

This brings us to this cycle’s theme – Surrender. By Surrender, I am not necessarily implying that a Want is no longer worth working for, but rather sometimes it’s necessary to relieve ourselves of our self-imposed obligation to do the work. Instead of swimming in a current, leave ourselves open to where the current might take us.

Surrendering to the currents of a Want can be scary – without our persistent momentum against resistance, we fear we would lose whatever precious ground we might have gained. This is why Surrender here is geared more toward intent than action – to change focus and perception – to understand that Having, while still good and important, must be measured against personal cost.

Or as Cheap Trick so eloquently sang: Surrender, surrender – but don’t give yourself away.

• Wheel of Consent
• “Teardrop” by Massive Attack
• Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory

Wishing a Blessed Samhain to all who celebrate!! At 6:49am last Tuesday the moon was new again, so before morning She will be one quarter full.

The theme last month was Wanting, and in the closing for the post I’d said that “Receiving is contingent on generosity, reciprocity, consent, and a whole variety of other conditions – but the Wanting is solely on us.”

Years ago, after attending a conference, I had thought that I wanted to ‘Make Compassion Contagious’ – so I started an online presence called “Catch Compassion”. It still exists on Facebook and Twitter (for the time being). The philosophy behind it was simple – “Be grateful. Want without expectation. Accept with humility. Love without agenda. Make Compassion Contagious”.

As an aside, I’d realized in the past year that about the same time I’d had this epiphany, Deepak Chopra published an article entitled “How to Make Compassion Contagious” – further evidence that if the Universe wants to give birth to a concept, She will do it by any means necessary. I am grateful to have also been a conduit for this thought.

When the focus for the last cycle became “Wanting”, my mind turned toward that theme – ‘Wanting Without Expectation’. Those who know me understand that I believe that the Universe doesn’t understand negatives, and this created a paradox – how do I want “without” expectation and not use the word “without”? This thought experiment lead me down many roads, but I finally landed on ‘Want with Trust” – and I held to that during this cycle. As I explored various Wants – successful finger surgery, good band gigs, smoother times at work, etc. – I tried to place a sense of trust that the things I Wanted could be in line with the flow of the Universe.

As I thought about the focus for this cycle, I thought about both Trust and Balance – but I try not to re-use themes, and both of them have had their turns (in 2018 and 2019 respectively).

Earlier I recalled how I’d said that receiving was contingent on a variety of things, among them Reciprocity. This brought to mind times shared this summer with a wonderful soul who had spoken to me about Reciprocity. It was there that I’d found my focus for this cycle.

Wanting and receiving are sides of a similar coin. When we allow ourselves to slip into the stream of things being Reciprocal, we can find that we are not alone in our Wants – that what we Want might be what another desires to receive, and that what they are free to give fulfills our Wanting. This can be true of individuals, communities, or Everything. Where there is Reciprocity, there might also be balance and satisfaction – and in that space we may find ourselves able to share joy, not just receive it.

As the band continues to cover this companion song, its lyrics will hold a deeper meaning for me. Life is fuller when we realize that we do indeed reap what we sow, and we get what we give.

At 5:55pm on Sunday evening the moon was New again.

The theme for this past cycle was Integration. After years in programming, I can tell you that one of the trickiest phases in the software development lifecycle was Integration – blending myriad patches with existing code in preparation for release. I don’t think I realized how many different changes were going to be manifest in this integration.

This past cycle saw my first participation in Improv Camp. I’d been using voices and characters to either entertain others or mask myself for years – but this was one of the first times using them intentionally and while being directed. Overall it was a fantastic experience and I can’t wait to do it again – but one class in particular moved me. It was called “Hardcore Emotion”. The course description read: “In this workshop, we will work on intense emotion in scenes. Having a strong emotion gets you out of your head and playing to the top of your abilities. You will also learn how emotion will keep you in the moment and help you follow your instincts more.” All things I know I need to work on.

During my scene – my randomly chosen scene partner and I were directed to play a scene with a deep emotional reaction to a mundane event – in our case, a squeaky door. The scene progressed with ever-heightening emotions – at one point I suggested they wear earplugs to stifle the squeak and they reacted by saying “then I wouldn’t be able to hear you”.

I played out the scene but this triggered something in me. My scene partner and I talked to one another afterwards and commented on how quickly it got very deep, and I thanked them for how the scene unlocked something deeper in me. Someone wants to hear “me”.

Fast forward to a moment this weekend when I found myself feeling “accepted”, regardless of my quirks, and perhaps even because of them. As I savored this acceptance, I wondered at the fact that I was allowing myself to feel accepted too.

I realized something else just after that though – in this life, I want more than just “acceptance”.

The fact that I found this genuine, deep-seated ‘want’ was different for me. Sure, we all want things – but they’re usually transient for me. I may want to hear a particular song or eat a certain food, but bigger wants are harder to acknowledge, and harder still to voice. There was another point this weekend when a choice between two things came up and I said “I wouldn’t be unhappy…”. It was pointed out that wasn’t an “enthusiastic yes” – not being unhappy with a choice does not translate to actually being happy.

When I began to write this post I had chosen my focus for this cycle, but in light of the words in front of me, I’m going to change the focus to Wanting. What is it to be Wanting, and how does that differ from needing? Bearing in mind all the while that Wanting is a one-sided arrangement. Receiving is contingent on generosity, reciprocity, consent, and a whole variety of other conditions – but the Wanting is solely on us. We’re allowed, and even encouraged, to Want – regardless of the outcome.

The intended focus will be saved for another time, but for now – I won’t rush the process. The Wanting is enough.